Witch Doctor Lifts Curse on Harry Kane After Determining England’s Attack Doesn’t Need Additional Cursing

After extensive investigation, ancestors conclude, “Yeah, that’s just England”.

Scotland Drinks Boston Dry, England Fans Arrive To Find They’ve Inherited a Humanitarian Crisis

England arrives to discover the beer equivalent of a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

German YouTuber Completes Third Consecutive Title for Capturing England’s Most Dangerous Cheese

Three straight wins later, the cheese may need dual citizenship.

Aglow UFO Puts on Show in New England Borough

Was it aliens or advanced spy technology? Because those are the only two options.

World’s Oldest Fossilized Forest Discovered in England

Researchers from Cambridge and Cardiff Universities discovered the world’s oldest fossilized forest, dating back 390 million years. That’s so long ago, it even predates dinosaurs and the Rolling Stones.

Nigel Farage Must Face a New Worst Enemy: Count Binface

British politics continues its relentless march toward becoming an episode of Black Mirror written by Monty Python.

Climate Conference on Extreme Heat Canceled Due To Extreme Heat

Experts call this a teachable moment.

Witch Doctor Curses Harry Kane, Continuing Decades-Long Campaign To Affect World Cup Outcomes

As opposed to, you know, anything actually useful.  

Leading Film Roles Go More Often to Actors Named Chris and Talking Animals Than To Older Women 

Casting pipeline at major studios: Chris, Chris, raccoon, Chris, raccoon, raccoon, raccoon, Jamie Lee Curtis the one time, raccoon.

Billy Idol Credits Crack Cocaine With Curing His Heroin Addiction

The '80s rocker has a new documentary, a sobriety-adjacent lifestyle, and the most unhinged recovery story since Keith Richards changed his own blood.