Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Even if no one is seriously injured, a motor vehicle accident is tragic. In a best-case scenario, it’s just a fender bender, and you’re out a $500 deductible and have to sit there waiting for cops to show up while people gawk at you like you’re part of a circus sideshow. Then there’s one of the worst-case scenarios. You’re not supposed to cry over spilled milk, and really, you shouldn’t, because who cares about milk at the end of the day? But substitute milk with prosecco, and it gets pretty sad. Then, finding out that it’s literally 20 tons of the stuff, and here comes the sparkling waterworks.
That's that street prosecco. (facebook.com/TVPRoadsPolicing)
This happened in Berkshire, UK, and it’s automatically made slightly more charming by not just the spirit, but also the fact that the accompanying article refers to the trucks as “lorries” in that delightful British way. Two lorries collided on the M4 Motorway, one of which had its container ripped open on the side. The container held a whole lot of prosecco, just like you after a few too many Aperol spritzes. Hopefully, unlike you, however, most of that prosecco wound up being ejected from the vessel carrying it. And while you may have thought you’d drunk a ton of the stuff, this lorry was carrying 20 tons of it, which spilled out all over the roadway.
One person was injured in the crash, although many more were emotionally hurt after seeing so many broken bottles of sparkling wine glistening in the sun. The roadway was closed for seven hours, with the Royal Berkshire Fire and Rescue Service sending crews from Newbury, Theale, and Caversham Road to the scene, who stated that the person hurt only suffered minor injuries. They described the cleanup as “long and complex,” which was to be expected, as the rescue crews likely turned to saving intact bottles of prosecco for later, after establishing that nobody was seriously hurt.
This is what farm-to-table prosecco looks like as opposed to farm-to-highway. (Ed Schipul/Creative Commons)
Photos of the incident show that the other truck suffered worse damage than the one containing the alcohol, which makes sense to anyone who’s ever gotten in a scrap fueled by booze. There was no word on whose fault it was, but given that the prosecco lorry looks to have been hit from the side, it can be presumed that its driver probably wasn’t getting high on his own supply. And while the contents of the other truck weren’t revealed, we’re really hoping against hope that it was full of orange juice to make the brunchiest lorry accident ever.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
