Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
There’s no shortage of things to make fun of Tesla about. It could really start and end with the company’s CEO, Elon Musk. That’d almost be too easy, and it’d be hard to focus on just one reason. Then there’s the Cybertruck, an unmitigated disaster we’ve spoken about before, that proves all you need is $75k and a dream to pick up a failed status symbol that you can’t even sell back to the car company. The latest Tesla issue, however, is bigger than just one model or their trolling, (allegedly!) drug-addled CEO. This one involves about 3 million of their cars in China that were just recalled.
This Tesla's doors should work since it doesn't appear to be in an accident – yet. (Alexander Migl/Creative Commons)
The issue actually affects nearly 4 million cars throughout the country and is China’s largest car recall ever. And while the 2.98 million Teslas recalled are the bulk of them, it also includes other companies we’ve never heard of, like Xiaomi, Xpeng, and probably other car companies that begin with “X.” It goes back to a February ruling that all car doors need to have a mechanical release on the inside and the outside. So those sleek-looking door handles on Teslas that smoothly blend into the rest of the car are now illegal.
Why is this? Well, the ruling found that after electric cars were involved in fatal crashes (this time a Xiaomi), the car doors refused to open. So, in addition to the mechanical release, cars need to have a warning on the inside stating something to the effect of “warning: this car may be a death trap,” as well as a software update that opens the windows in an emergency. Tesla agreed that their Model X, Y, S, and 3 have hidden door panels that pose a safety hazard and that Cybertrucks may cause some people not in the car to burst out laughing. The new regulation will start in 2027.
The Cybertruck is already illegal in China, or it'd be recalled too. (Tesla)
Just like in real life, China is more advanced than the US, since the same issue has been called out here in America. Back in 2025, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration warned Tesla that it had received 16 reports of low battery voltage preventing door handles from opening. As of last month, the NHTSA said it was “considering” new laws, and given the government’s efficiency, which Tesla’s CEO gutted a lot of last year, we can probably expect a final ruling sometime in the 2030s.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
