Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Alaska, a state whose unofficial motto is “forgot about us, didn’t ya,” has had its fair share of memorable politicians. Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, for one, and… well, that’s about it, really. When thinking of Alaska politicians that didn’t appear on The Masked Singer or get parodied by Tina Fey, we’d be hard-pressed to name anyone. However, a Senate race in the state is heating up, and it’s all because of Republican Senator Dan Sullivan’s new challenger, who just won a court case to appear on the ballot. His name? Dan Sullivan.
Which Dan Sullivan is this? Beats the hell out of us. (facebook.com/sullivanforsenate)
Dan S. Sullivan has served as a Republican senator since 2015 and, as an incumbent, is open to challengers. Enter Dan J. Sullivan. Originally from the Midwest, he’d moved to Alaska and worked for the U.S. Forest Service. Disillusioned by the government’s lack of long-term thinking, he got his education degree and also became a teacher. However, maybe assuming he could help fix government from the inside, he threw his hat in the ring in May to go up against the other Dan Sullivan.
Republicans immediately challenged the newer of the Sullivans, who’s also running as a Republican. They accused him of being in cahoots with former Democratic representative Mary Peltola, and said that Dan J. Sullivan was not a “good faith” candidate. Among the complaints: he’d only recently registered as a Republican, his website looked a lot like Dan Sullivan’s (the other one), and he’d donated to Democratic candidates, including Perolta. The elections division quickly agreed and kicked him off the ballot. However, a state superior court judge reinstated him, stating that nothing in state law decreed someone lacking “good faith” was unable to run for office.
So Sullivan vs. Sullivan it is. While Sullivan would appear to have the upper hand as an incumbent, Sullivan is enough of an upstart that he may be able to dethrone Sullivan. Will Sullivan debate Sullivan, or as we call it, have a Sullivan-off? The incumbent calls the newer Sullivan “an insult.” The newer Sullivan could really have fun with this and just repeat everything the other Sullivan says.
And if you’re an Alaskan who finds yourself confused over which Sullivan to vote for, maybe you should just write in Sarah Palin. She might not want to throw her mask (that she sings under) back into the race, but she could definitely run on the “I’m Not Sullivan” platform and probably clean house. Or is that clean Senate?
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
