Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TIRANA, Albania – In a bold move that can only be described as “turning it off and back on again, but for the entire government,” Albania has hired its very own AI overlord, and she’s already better at government than half of Europe.
What's not to trust about lovely Diella? Ohhhh, everything. (MarioNawfal/X/Odd News)
Meet Diella, the new minister in charge of public procurement, who was chosen because, unlike every Albanian before her, she doesn’t need a cousin’s cousin’s cousin to “facilitate” a contract for concrete that mysteriously turns into sand.
Prime Minister Edi Rama, best known for not being arrested yet, unveiled the digital civil servant with the enthusiasm of a man who has definitely seen at least five Marvel movies (and zero James Cameron movies).
“Diella will be in charge of all public tenders,” said Rama, “and by ‘public tenders,’ I mean ‘all the money we used to accidentally lose in envelopes under someone’s uncle’s mattress.’ And by ‘we’, I mean ‘other people who are not me.’”
Diella, which means “Microsoft Clippy with a folkloric upgrade” in Albanian, will handle contracts for infrastructure, defense, plumbing, and anything else that used to mysteriously be awarded to companies owned by someone’s cousin named “Fatmir ‘The Invoice’ Hoxha.”
According to government sources, Diella is “immune to corruption.” Which makes sense, because her moral code is written in YAML, and the last thing she downloaded was a firmware patch for not accepting bribes in Bitcoin. She reportedly appears in full Albanian national attire when accessed on the “e-Albania” app. The choice of wardrobe is meant to build trust, but early focus groups say it looks like the Eurovision act that never made it out of the semis.
Critics are skeptical, because that’s their job. “Even Diella will be corrupted in Albania,” one Facebook user said, after attempting to send the bot a bouquet of virtual roses, a prepaid phone card, and a slightly threatening GIF of a horse.
Another user commented, “Great, now the excuse will be, ‘It wasn’t me, it was the AI who funneled $1.2 million to a shell company registered in Panama under the name of my dog.’”
Notably absent from the announcement: any mention of who wrote Diella’s code, what guardrails are in place, or whether she’s connected to the previous procurement algorithm that once “accidentally” awarded an arms contract in return for a suitcase full of cocaine and a goat named “Yogurt”.
For now, Diella sits in her virtual office, unbribed, unbothered, and unironically the hardest-working politician in the Balkans. Which, in fairness, isn’t saying much.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
