Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a stunning press conference only slightly less confusing than the Snyder Cut, former Superman actor Dean Cain, America’s second-most-famous Man of Steel after literally every other guy who’s worn the tights, plus the cardboard cutout in Times Square, revealed he will be joining U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
What could that S actually stand for? Answers in the comments, please. (Warner Bros. Television)
Cain, who spent four years on Lois & Clark heroically wearing a cape and pretending not to hear the crew’s lunch orders with his super-hearing, now plans to “help protect the country” in a way that involves fewer exploding spaceships and more paperwork about overstayed student visas.
“People have to step up,” Cain said, “and I have the power to leap tall procedural hurdles in a single bound.” Witnesses report he then winked so hard that a cameraman suffered a mild concussion from the sonic shockwave.
Department of Homeland Security officials confirmed Cain will be an “honorary ICE officer,” which is the same as being a Kryptonian General without the legal right to vaporize parking violators. Still, ICE staffers are excited, with one agent noting, “If he really is Superman, our transportation budget just got cut in half. Why pay for a plane when Cain can just carry you there?”
Cain’s recent recruitment video has already been credited with 80,000 applications to ICE, mostly from people who just want to find out whether the X-ray vision rumor is true. The posters feature Cain in full tactical gear, with the slogan: “Truth. Justice. And Whatever the ICE HR Department Signed Off On.”
Critics have noted Cain’s gradual descent into Zod-like energy over the past decade: a more authoritarian haircut, increasingly intense stares into the middle distance, and the way he now ends public statements with, “Kneel.”
Is it a bird? A plane? We're not sure what he's just eaten, but I'm sure he enjoyed it. (Miguel Discart/Wikimedia)
Fox News gave him airtime to explain his motivations, though viewers were distracted when he absentmindedly bent the microphone in half while adjusting it. “I wasn’t part of ICE before,” Cain admitted, “but once I put out the recruitment video, things went crazy.” Experts believe “things went crazy” is Kryptonian for “I have begun Phase Two of the Plan.”
The recruitment drive itself offers $50,000 bonuses and student loan relief, and has been compared by some to classic Kryptonian military conscription, minus the cool armor and world-engine terraforming.
When asked if he might miss his Hollywood career, Cain shrugged, punched a hole through a DHS podium, and replied, “I’ll still be acting. Just as an ICE agent. And maybe… something more.”
Sources say the Fortress of Solitude is now being retrofitted with holding cells.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
