Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
They say, “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” After a recent encounter in Saskatchewan, Canada, perhaps the phrase should be changed to “have a fish somehow destroy your windshield and be terrified of both fish and driving for a lifetime.” There’s definitely one seafood-averse woman in Canada who probably feels that way after her drive was interrupted by an airborne sea creature.
Usually being catfished has a different meaning. (Marie Ahlstrom)
Marie Ahlstrom of Turtle Lake, Saskatchewan, was driving, as one does, when something suddenly hit her windshield, cracking it. She assumed it was a rock, because who hasn’t had a rock thrown at their window in a fit of road rage or joyful rock throwing? After careening to a stop, she looked at her windshield and noticed there were fish scales embedded in it. Thankfully, she wasn’t hurt, but it’s safe to say that the fish was.
Noticing that both her windshield and side mirror were damaged, Ahlstrom called her insurance company just for the halibut. They promptly told her that there was something fishy about her claim and dismissed it. No, really, the company told her that it wouldn’t be covered under its wildlife collision policy, which usually deals with deer, elk, or, of course, because it’s Canada, moose. They said that fish weren’t considered wildlife. That wasn’t very progressive of them, now was it? Eventually, the company changed its mind and covered it.
How would a fish get from the sea to the air? Obviously, with lots of practice. Or perhaps being picked up by a bird for a meal, then dropped by said bird into oncoming traffic. That’s what Ahlstrom assumes, anyway. One would presume that it might be an Osprey that grabbed dinner for the family, but dropped it because it was a little too heavy. However, prairie naturalist Trevor Herriot told the CBC that he thought that an eagle might have done it. “Most ospreys have migrated south by now,” he said. “There might be a few left, but I’d say odds are that it was a bald eagle.”
Fish fry? No, I said I was going to a fish fly. (gary_leavens/Creative Commons)
“I can’t do anything right,” a bald eagle said. “It was super fun being a symbol of America until recently, so we moved to Canada to avoid embarrassment. My wife’s all like, ‘It’s bad enough you moved us up here, but you don’t even have any hair. Sure, being bald can make you a sex symbol – IF YOU’RE A PERSON. Now go out and provide for the family, you bald freak.’ And I almost did it. You should’ve seen how big that fish was, but you never will, because I couldn’t carry it back and dropped it on some woman’s car. My wife’s gonna kill me.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
