Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Ever since the Macintosh came out in 1984, Apple has been one of the most innovative companies in recent history. More recently, the iPod, iPad, and iPhone have all been gadgets no one knew they needed but everyone suddenly had to have. So what’s their latest invention that’ll have you throwing money at them? Fashion, baby! Forget about the Apple Watch. The newest wearable accessory from Apple is… a pocket.
Why phone it in when you can wear it out? (you can have that tagline for free, Apple – we'll charge you $229.95/word for the next one). (Apple)
The Apple Pocket isn’t a piece of tech. There’s no wifi involved, and it doesn’t turn on, unless someone who sees you is turned on by it. Essentially a cross between a scarf and a sock, the pocket holds any iPhone. Which also means it holds any Samsung, Blackberry [Do these still exist? – Ed.], or flip phone as well, but they probably don’t want you knowing that. A collaboration between Apple and Japanese fashion designer Issey Miyake, the inspiration for the design was, and we’re not kidding here, “a piece of cloth.”
Most pieces of cloth don’t cost $149.95, but then again, that’s just for the short strap version of the Apple Pocket, which is more like a purse, kind of? The long strap is $229.95. You might think that’s a lot of money for a wearable sock, er, pocket, that you can stash your phone in. You’d be right, but that would be before hearing that they come in eight separate colors, just like the iMac did back in the early aughts. That means you can pick up different colors so you can accessorize, because what good is money if you can’t spend it on matching your phone holder with your outfit?
Is that a phone in your sock or are you just happy to see me? (Apple)
There’s undoubtedly an audience for this, like people who don’t constantly use their phones to doomscroll, watch movies, or listen to music on their commute, which narrows it down to pretty much nobody. While fashionistas are probably a target, the exact opposite might also be interested. “My pants pockets are okay, but there’s only four pockets, five if you count that little one in the other pocket,” one idiot said. “When I heard Apple was making a pocket, I was totally on board. I’m going to buy it and put the pocket in another pocket.”
There’s another group of people who will definitely love it: criminals. “I’ve been waiting for something like this,” a phone thief said. “Until now, you’d have to scope out someone to figure out what kind of phone they had and if it was worth stealing. Now I can just look for someone wearing a $230 brightly colored sock and just grab it, knowing that if they’re dumb enough to buy a wearable phone pocket, they’re also rich enough to have the newest phone. Thanks, Apple!”
The long strap version comes in just three colors: blue, brown, and black. The short strap comes in those colors, as well as purple, pink, yellow, orange, and turquoise. Of course, Apple/Issey call some of the colors “cinnamon,” “mandarin,” “lemon,” and “peacock,” because again, fashion. The limited-edition pockets will go on sale on Friday, and while they’ll be available online, there are only ten stores worldwide that will have them available for purchase. But don’t worry, you’ll probably be able to buy them on street corners for significantly cheaper from the aforementioned phone thieves.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
