Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
YEREVAN, Armenia — Armenia may soon establish the world’s first Ministry of Sex, a government body designed to ensure “no unsatisfied women” exist within its borders, according to proposals floated by an opposition party whose leadership is coincidentally also currently facing criminal charges, including money laundering.
The eyebrow-raising initiative was introduced by Sargis Karapetyan, a senior figure in the Strong Armenia party, who appeared on a podcast to argue that female sexual frustration was directly fueling political activism among middle-aged women. He did not provide data, peer-reviewed research, or any indication that he had spoken to any actual woman about this theory.
Nothing beats a male politician on a podcast telling women what they need. Oh, wait, EVERYTHING beats that. (erankyuni_podcast/instagram)
The concept originated with sociologist Armen Khachikyan, who argued on the Triangle podcast that women had become politically active because they weren’t getting enough sex. The show’s host, Levon Sargizov, then suggested a dedicated government department to address this, presumably because Armenia’s existing ministries had already solved roads, healthcare, and the economy. To the surprise of no one, they have not.
Mr. Karapetyan agreed enthusiastically, proposing that the agency be named the Ministry of Sex. He added that such a body could also help reverse Armenia’s declining birth rate, though he declined to explain whether citizens would apply for services through an online portal, in-person appointments, or some kind of state-administered app with a swipe function, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, say no more, say no more.
MP Sona Ghazaryan of the ruling Civil Contract party called the comments “pure sexism” and “disgusting,” adding that the proposal reduces women “to the level of male fantasies and crude promises.” She noted that returning to the past “in all its forms” would not happen, which is optimistic given the past’s track record of recurring on a regular basis.
Feminist influencer Lucy Kocharyan responded on social media: “Don’t wrap your pre-election campaign’s sexual lust around the women of Armenia.” Mr. Karapetyan later suggested his words had been taken out of context, even though the context appears to have been a podcast anyone on the planet can access right now, where he proposed a literal Ministry of Sex.
Strong Armenia is expected to formally announce its prime ministerial candidate on February 12. Local media reports suggest the party may nominate Narek Karapetyan, the nephew of Sargis Karapetyan and son of Russian-Armenian billionaire Samvel Karapetyan. The elder Karapetyan was recently charged with publicly calling for the illegal seizure of power, tax evasion, fraud, and money laundering. He denies all allegations, though admittedly “Ministry of Sex” is a bold distraction strategy.
Recent polling shows Strong Armenia in second place at 13 percent, behind the ruling Civil Contract party at 17 percent. Nearly half of voters remain undecided, presumably while they process what they just read.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
