You can see the razor edges on these cheese slices! (Rachel/Flickr)
Disclaimer: While this article is processed from real Canadian facts, it does contain whey too many curds of satire.
May 9 was a wild night to be a police officer in St John’s, Newfoundland—in all, there were three assaults on officers in an eight-hour span. Sacré-bleu cheese!
Two were fairly run-of-the-mill: In one, an officer was assaulted while responding to a call about a domestic disturbance when one of the disturbers took a quick break from her fight with the other to strike him in the face. In the other, a woman saw someone break into her house just as she left, and when the police arrived, there was an “altercation.”
While we are generally not in the habit of siding with the cops, we gotta admit, those sound plausible. But the third incident involved a non-traditional choice of weapon: No, not a fencing sword, nor a lightsaber… and maybe not a weapon at all.
According to the police report, a “very irate male” was the cause of a call about a disturbance downtown. After arriving on the scene, he zeroed in on the officers and came at them with… a block of cheese. At least he’s got a sanity plea locked all the way up—what a waste of a perfectly good snack.
Up to no gouda? This guy is coming for our gig! (Actually… no he’s not. Those are all honestly pretty hack.)
The officer involved in the dispute did not require any medical attention. And all the prisoners arrested that day could share some nice crackers and a little quince paste for a little get-together in the cell block (of Velveeta) at the city jail.
This made us wonder, what cheese would we pick in a fight? Certainly not triple-cream brie—too soft, and anyway we’d much rather eat it than fight a war. Cheddar is known for being sharp, of course, though we wouldn’t call it aggressive.
Who could stay mad at this? (Coyau/Wikimedia Commons)
The title of most dangerous cheese (per the Guinness Book of World Records) actually belongs to Casu marzu (literal translation: “spoiled cheese”), a Sardinian specialty. The delicacy is made by having flies lay eggs in cracks that form in drying sheep’s milk cheese, then after they hatch, letting them digest proteins within, leaving a soft, creamy, pungent cheese texture behind them.
To eat it, just crack open the top and spoon out some of the creamy substance left behind—as well as the still-alive maggots, which are then eaten. If you don’t chew well enough, they might injure your intestines—so you can easily see how this cheese earned its status as Most Dangerous. Luckily for food influencers, and for us, it’s been illegal to sell since 2005, and that’s one law you will never catch us breaking, officer, sir.
