August 26th is a day we can all celebrate, because we all use it – it’s National Toilet Paper Day! (OK, the bidet brigade don’t have to celebrate, although I don’t think you have a national day, so feel free to join in.) But I digress. It’s true, humanity has decided to dedicate an entire 24-hour cycle to celebrating the perforated paper roll that has been there for us in our darkest, and obviously, our messiest hours. Forget fireworks, forget turkey dinners—this is about tissue, tushies, and triumph.
Look how happy he is that we're celebrating him today! (HayDmitriy/depositphotos)
How to Celebrate (Without Raising Eyebrows at Costco)
So how exactly should we celebrate Toilet Paper Day? Do you light a candle in honor of Charmin Ultra Soft? Do you build a shrine to that emergency roll you keep hidden behind the plunger? You could TP your neighbor’s house, but that feels less festive and more like a police report waiting to happen, and you becoming “that neighbor” who everyone hates.
Maybe you go classy and fold your bathroom roll into those little hotel triangles. Or, if you’re feeling ambitious, try your hand at origami swans. Just be careful not to accidentally use your “art piece” mid-crisis—nobody wants to find themselves face-to-face with a crumpled crane in their time of need.
The Great Roll Debate
Of course, no Toilet Paper Day is complete without revisiting the eternal debate: over vs. under. According to civilized society (and the original 1891 patent drawing, thank you very much), the roll should go over. But some people—possibly the same ones who still clap when the plane lands—insist on the under method. This is less a debate and more a red flag.
It's "Over." Stop arguing or trying to be "different" – you're just losing friends. (Wheeler)
If you really want to test your friendships this Toilet Paper Day, don’t talk politics, don’t talk religion—just walk into someone’s bathroom and check which way the roll is hanging. That’s how you learn who your real friends are.
A Roll Through History
Toilet paper as we know it was first commercially sold in 1857 by a man named Joseph Gayetty. Before that, people made do with corn cobs, seashells, or whatever was lying around. (Suddenly, your one-ply office bathroom doesn’t seem so bad, does it?) Today, we’re spoiled for choice: extra soft, extra strong, quilted, scented, recycled. But, the good kind of recycled, if you know what we mean.
And let’s not forget the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. Ah yes, the time when the world panicked and hoarded rolls like they were magic beans. Who would have thought that the humble toilet paper would become hard currency?
Why You Should Care
You might think National Toilet Paper Day is a joke—and it kind of is—but take a moment to appreciate what’s hanging on that little chrome holder in your bathroom. It’s almost like the unsung hero of your daily routine. Coffee wakes you up, toothpaste keeps your coworkers from hating you, but toilet paper? Toilet paper has your back (and your front, depending on technique).
Final Wipe-servation
So this year, on August 26th, raise a roll in solidarity. Cherish the sheets, honor the plies (not piles), and for the love of Joseph Gayetty, put the roll on the holder the right way. And if there’s one thing we should all agree on, it’s this: life is rough enough already—your toilet paper shouldn’t be.
