Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
SYDNEY — Mysterious black spheres began washing up on Coogee Beach last October. The debris balls were not, as initially claimed, ambergris (whale vomit) but rather consolidated masses of human feces, cooking grease, and what officials are calling “volatile organic compounds,” whatever the hell those might be. The likely culprit, according to Sydney Water’s assessment report, is a fatberg approximately the size of four Sydney buses lurking offshore, and has unfortunately evolved into Australia’s first known Kaiju.
Some kaipoo washed up on the beach. (Randwick City Council/Facebook)
The report notes that fats, oils, and grease in the Malabar system have increased by 39% over the past decade, while volatile organic compounds, such as cleaning products, cosmetics, paint, and fuels, have risen 125%. “The current best thinking,” the document states, “is that concentrations are so high in the system that Mother Nature got so pissed off it created another kaiju.”
The process is well documented. Japan’s multiple nuclear-capable kaiju arose in the early 1950s, even though the nuclear material wasn’t directly Japan’s fault. In the decades since, other less-exciting kaiju have emerged in response to various ecological disasters across the Pacific Rim.
Serpenthrax, The Invasive Length, formed in Guam in 1972 when 2 million brown tree snakes collectively achieved critical mass in the island’s power grid.
Kiwiroa, The Lengthy One, appeared in New Zealand in 1968, taking the form of a flightless leviathan bird. Descriptions of its size vary, but witnesses consistently report it’s “always bigger than we expected.”
Spamorrah, the Processed Titan, emerged from a Hormel shipping container that fell into volcanic waters off Mauna Loa in 1985. This glistening, gelatinous kaiju has an unsettlingly uniform pink texture and an aroma described by witnesses as “technically edible.” It can be temporarily subdued with rice. The FDA maintains it remains “shelf-stable” and will be for decades to come.
The Pacific Kaiju Monitoring Consortium, established in 1954 following Godzilla’s inaugural Tokyo visit, convened an emergency session last week to assess the Australian threat. Initial readings suggested the specimen, tentatively designated “Malabar Brown,” might challenge Kiwiroa for regional dominance, a prospect that had New Zealand’s Defence Forces on high alert.
Australian kaiju experts dealing with Malabar Brown. (Dan Himbrechts/EPA)
However, consortium scientists noted that unlike traditional kaiju, which announce themselves through roaring, territorial displays, or catastrophic urban destruction, Malabar Brown’s primary attack vector appears to be “generating spherical fecal debris during pressure fluctuations” and generally just being big and disgusting. The consortium officially downgraded the threat level to “Nuisance, Ongoing” and adjourned for lunch. That was three months ago. They have not reconvened.
New Zealand stood down its forces after Kiwiroa itself refused to engage. Witnesses near Wellington reported the creature surfacing briefly, orienting toward Australia, then submerging with what marine biologists described as “visible disgust.” Spamorrah, reached for comment off the Hawaiian coast, simply quivered. Even Serpenthrax, a kaiju notorious for penetrating anything, was observed retreating from Australian waters at speed.
Researchers have begun debating whether Malabar Brown technically qualifies as a kaiju at all, or represents an entirely new category of threat. Traditional kaiju emerge, rampage, and are eventually subdued through military intervention or the timely arrival of a larger kaiju. Malabar Brown has done none of these things. It simply exists, growing imperceptibly, becoming more disgusting by the day.
Sydney Water, meanwhile, announced plans to address Malabar Brown through community education campaigns and “trade waste customer engagement,” which is bureaucrat-speak for “stop shitting in the ocean before we create another one.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
