Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
FRESNO — In what police are now calling “a well-planned, highly caffeinated heist,” a popular Fresno pizza shop was hit early Tuesday morning by a man and his alleged goat overlord. Surveillance footage captured the human suspect smashing two windows at Curry Pizza Co. around 3:50 a.m., but investigators say he was clearly taking orders from the four-legged ringleader trotting behind him.
Vincent van Goat forcing his accomplice to the scene of the crime. (Courtesy: The Curry Pizza Company)
The loot? Two two-liter bottles of soda. Experts believe the goat, known only as “Vincent van Goat,” has been building an underground cola empire to control the city’s vending machines by 2026.
“He’s been casing the joint for months,” said one employee, “Just standing outside, staring through the glass, chewing… something. We thought it was grass. Might’ve been the blueprints. We’re starting to think it might be the bones of his enemies.”
The shop, now on its fourth break-in this year, says repairs will cost $400 per window, which is about what Little Caesars spends on cheese in a decade. Police note the crime took place just a block from a string of soda-related break-ins at a nearby Little Caesars, where suspects escaped with nothing but a single Sprite and several breadsticks. While authorities won’t officially connect the cases, sources say the goat has been spotted in both areas, “wearing different hats.” One was a wizard hat. Authorities have warned that the goat may be a master of the dark arts. If so, he’ll likely be in the area for only one more year, as no one ever holds that position for longer.
Security analysts say this could be part of a broader criminal syndicate involving barnyard animals and fizzy drinks, possibly linked to last summer’s notorious “Sheep Fanta Cartel.” That gang, led by the elusive ewe known only as La Lana, controlled 80% of the citrus soda trade from Bakersfield to Modesto before a botched Mountain Dew hijacking brought the feds sniffing around. Authorities believe Vincent van Goat may have once served as the cartel’s “horn man,” responsible for intimidation, debt collection, and occasionally butting vending machines until they paid out like slot machines
This factory is part of the goat's cartel setup. Probably. (duxX73)
The cartel’s operations were infamous for their brutality — rival goats were found bleating in alleys with their horns glued to RC Cola cans, and one witness claimed to have seen a pig lieutenant waterboarded with flat Dr. Pepper. Interpol even issued a barn-wide advisory after discovering a secret network of dairy trucks smuggling contraband cream sodas inside wheels of gouda.
While the Sheep Fanta Cartel officially “went to pasture” after the 2023 Cola Wars, insiders say it simply rebranded and diversified, branching into root beer, ginger ale, and artisanal kombucha. “Make no mistake,” said one investigator, “these animals aren’t stealing for fun. This is organized thirst.”
Police are asking the public to come forward with any information — especially if they’ve recently been approached by a goat offering “a taste of the good stuff” from a suspiciously cold bottle.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
