Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Super Bowl LX has come and gone, and if there’s one thing that people just won’t stop talking about, and has divided the nation, it’s how bad New England’s offense was on Sunday. No, actually, the game was boring enough that most people probably won’t even remember who played in it in a week or so. In terms of discourse, the game was tertiary to the commercials, and the commercials were a distant second to Bad Bunny’s halftime performance.
This is what most bathrooms in NYC looked like during Bad Bunny's halftime performance. (Fastily/Wikimedia Commons)
Whether viewed as a celebration of culture from one of the world’s most popular entertainers or a stark reminder that everyone involved should be fired, deported, then brought back to the country to be arrested, everyone’s got a hot take on it. Except for one Twitter (sorry Elon, we’re still calling it that) account that’s got a wet take on it – NYCWater. And their input on the halftime performance will leave you feeling flushed.
NYC Water, part of the Department of Environmental Protection, pointed out that a lot of people must have been holding it in during Bad Bunny’s halftime show, stating that there was “a significant reduction in water usage” in the five boroughs during his 13-minute halftime performance. It then states that in the 15 minutes following the show, “there was a spike in usage equivalent to 761,719 toilets flushing across town.” Given that NYC has about 8.5 million people total, that’s a lot of toilets! It suggests that a lot of his #1 fans were going number one as the third quarter started.
Of course, this is just one opinion from a utility company. Some people may have waited until after watching Kid Rock lip-sync “Bawitdaba” from a conference room in Atlanta at Turning Point’s halftime show to retire to the WC to vomit. Others may have gone to the bathroom for a good cry after putting all their money on Team Ruff for the Puppy Bowl. Given what a snoozer the first half of the game was, a decent number of people might have just peaced out after the halftime show and started getting ready for bed. And there may have even been some people who didn’t know that a football game or a halftime performance was happening, who regularly flush their toilets at 8:30.
Regardless, we’ll be able to count on NYC Water to take the pulse of pop culture moments from here on out. It’s been reported that Bad Bunny’s halftime performance was the most-watched ever, and so if the next halftime performer at the Big Game (which by the way, will be on Valentine’s Day next year!) doesn’t match or beat Mr. Bunny’s record number of people waiting to go during and letting it out afterwards, Big Water will be watching you. And you’ll be held accountable for not holding it in if you break the seal during their set.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
