Bats Glow Bright Green Under Ultraviolet Light, Meaning Bruce Wayne’s Dry Cleaner Owes Him an Apology

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

ATHENS, Ga. — Scientists at the University of Georgia have confirmed that several species of North American bats glow a ghostly green under ultraviolet light, finally giving the state something bioluminescent that isn’t college football-related. The development immediately prompted Congress to form a subcommittee to determine whether this counts as critical race theory.

The study examined 60 bat specimens from six species and found that every one of them, when blasted with UV radiation, lit up like a frat house on St. Patrick’s Day. The glow was consistent across sex, age, and species, a rare example of unity in the animal kingdom, and possibly the only time biology has ever looked this coordinated.

“It’s strange,” said wildlife biologist Steven Castleberry, who has seen things that defy reason but still insists on writing them down. 

“They all glow the same color, the same intensity, from the same places: wings, legs, and butt membranes. It’s either evolutionary or just for the aesthetic,” said Castleberry, with the quiet exhaustion of a man who’s had to say “butt membrane” in at least four grant proposals.

The team has ruled out sexual selection, self-identification, and species recognition as possible reasons for the uniform glow. “If everyone’s wearing the same shade of green, nobody’s standing out at the bat club,” Castleberry explained, before clarifying that “bat club” was probably not an official term outside of DC comics. 

“It probably served a purpose millions of years ago, but the phenomenon now might be the biological equivalent of appendix tissue, or AOL email addresses,” Castleberry said.

The glow falls within the bats’ visible spectrum, but researchers aren’t sure if there’s enough light in a bat’s nocturnal environment to make it noticeable. “Unless they’re foraging during a rave,” one researcher noted, “it’s hard to see how it helps.” Plans are underway to examine live bats under controlled UV exposure, though the ethics board has requested “no more techno.”

In the meantime, the discovery joins a growing list of unexplained mammalian glow-ups. From fluorescent flying squirrels to pink opossums, biologists say nature is clearly having a blacklight phase.

The study concludes without conclusions, except to note that science remains deeply committed to shining expensive lights on weird animals until someone blinks.

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