Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
CHRISTINA LAKE, BC — A 22-year-old Kelowna man was pulled over on Highway 3 on Tuesday after his early-model Acura, held together with duct tape, rebar, and what investigators are calling “a profound lack of structural engineering,” was clocked travelling 130 km/h in an 80 km/h zone.
You couldn't even tell there had been work done on it. This is what new cars look like, right? (Handout/CTVNews)
The vehicle featured what police described as “modifications,” including a rear window replaced entirely by rebar and duct tape, and a driver-side door secured by a welded gate latch of the type used to keep horses from wandering off. Given that the back seat of the Acura contained zero horses, it’s possible the latch failed as well.
“It looked like it had been chewed up by Robosaurus,” said Cpl. Michael McLaughlin of the B.C. Highway Patrol, referencing the fire-breathing, car-crushing machine that entertains crowds at monster truck rallies. McLaughlin declined to speculate on whether the Acura would have survived such an encounter, noting only that “the outcome would have been cosmetically identical.”
The owner had attempted repairs prior to his highway run, hammering out dents and applying spray paint in what officers characterized as “highly optimistic finishing work.” McLaughlin acknowledged the effort while questioning its value. “You can’t polish a deathtrap,” he said, “though apparently you can get it up to 130.”
Engineers consulted by the Highway Patrol expressed surprise that the vehicle achieved highway speeds without experiencing what SpaceX calls “rapid unscheduled disassembly.” Another suggested the car may have been held together by aerodynamic forces, which would explain why it remained intact only while in motion, like how a shark dies if it stops swimming. The department has not endorsed this theory, but says it’s not testing it either.
No word yet on whether the horses have been located. (Handout/CTVNews)
The driver was cited for excessive speeding and handed a repair order that spanned multiple pages, covering everything from the rebar window to the livestock-grade door latch. He was also billed for towing and impoundment and will face insurance surcharges for the next three years. “Our underwriters looked at photos of the vehicle,” said a provincial insurance spokesperson, “and asked if this was a test.” It was not.
Cpl. McLaughlin urged other motorists to have modified vehicles inspected, particularly those involving load-bearing duct tape. “If you’re driving something that’s obviously not roadworthy,” he said, “you probably shouldn’t speed. Police can’t ignore that. Physics can’t ignore that. And eventually, the duct tape can’t ignore that either.”
As for the driver, he was last spotted at a bus stop near Christina Lake, alone, watching the highway. According to one witness, he was muttering something under his breath. It sounded like “she would have held.” It may have been a prayer. It may have been a eulogy. In British Columbia, sometimes they’re the same thing.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
