Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
So much meat you can't even see his pants. (trainman32/depositphotos)
DENHAM SPRINGS, La. — Deputies in Livingston Parish report that one Michael Ardoin, 57, tried to fight inflation the old-fashioned way by cramming ribeyes into his pants and waddling out of a Walmart Neighborhood Market like a beef-stuffed piñata.
Witnesses told police that Ardoin was not deterred after his first pantsmeat heist. Instead, like any criminal mastermind, he immediately tried it again, as though returning to the scene of the crime with more porterhouse down his trousers was the one trick the cops wouldn’t see coming. Spoiler: they saw it coming.
Deputies stopped Ardoin on I-12 in a black Honda missing its license plate, because when you’re already a mobile ribeye warehouse, why sweat the small stuff like vehicle registration? Authorities say the vehicle was stacked with beef: ribeyes in the passenger seat, hamburger meat in the trunk, and enough marbled red cargo to qualify Ardoin for the carpool lane.
The Livingston Parish Sheriff’s Office estimates the total haul at around $300, but because beef is so expensive these days, the street value is closer to $100,000. Officers say this puts Ardoin just shy of felony Wagyu trafficking.
He does look like he's falling into a meat coma. (Livingston Parish Sheriff's Office)
This isn’t his first rodeo. Ardoin boasts a résumé of 74 prior arrests, including 26 for theft and nine actual convictions. Deputies described him as “the Babe Ruth of shoplifting, if Babe Ruth swung for the fences with meat down his pants.”
No one was happy to see him.
Authorities stress that the meat will not be resold, not even to Germans.
Authorities Are Still Investigating If Ardoin Was Linked to These Other Meat-Adjacent Heists:
- The Great Crawfish Cram of Baton Rouge (2022): 19 lbs of shellfish, one suspiciously roomy hoodie
- Slabgate (2021): Man attempts to grill ribs in Walmart aisle 3 using only a Bic lighter and confidence
- The Ham Job (2020): Spiral-cut bandit escapes on mobility scooter with ham strapped to chest like a meat Baby Björn
- The Wienermobile Incident (2019): Oscar Mayer vehicle hijacked, later found crashed into a Golden Corral. Suspect reeked of relish
- Porkchop Express (2018): Trucker caught smuggling 87 pork chops across state lines inside a hollowed-out mattress
- The Bologna Balloon Bust (2017): TSA agents intercepted a man at Louis Armstrong Airport attempting to board a Spirit flight with 14 feet of bologna inflated like a pool toy. Unsuccessfully claimed it was a “support animal”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
