Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
This next one's called "Hit the Road Jack." (tiktok/hornbergercello)
We’ve all been there. You’re trying to get some shuteye, but your neighbors are having a rager. You’re patient at first, since you might have read something once about turning the other cheek, but they just won’t stop. Finally, you march to their apartment and tell them to shut the hell up. That happened to a degree recently, but probably without the “h-e-double toothpicks” part, as it was a bishop telling a choir that the party was over – at his own church.
This happened in London, at St. Andrew’s Church in Holborn, where the City Academy Voices choir was performing. A church is a perfectly normal place for a choir to be heard, although that’s usually more of a Sunday morning situation than a Friday night one. Regardless, the 300-strong crowd was enjoying the choral artistry when suddenly all of the lights came on and an irate bishop wearing a dressing gown took to the stage barefoot to acknowledge the choir and the crowd, calling it a “terrible racket.”
Jonathan Baker, whose official title is the Bishop of Fulham, didn’t find any glee in the singing group, stating ‘You are in my house. It’s gone past 10 pm, and this is a terrible racket.” After some confusion from the audience and performers, he continued, saying, “Goodnight. You are in my house – can you leave it now, please? Thank you, it’s over.” The audience, still confused, decided to voice their displeasure by booing, and the choir did so by performing one more song – an a cappella rendition of the ABBA favorite, “Dancing Queen,” so if you think about it, the ‘queen’ jumped the bishop.
The choir and crowd left in an orderly, if somewhat dumbstruck fashion. The event was scheduled with the church, which is available for events, but apparently, they went over the allotted time, which got the bishop’s blood boiling. Much of the crowd initially thought that it was a fun joke, with someone performing as an irate clergyman. But if there’s one thing that’s been drilled into our heads over the years, there’s nothing funny about religion. Well, other than a man of the cloth who might as well have had a candle and a long nightcap to complete his Dickensian look, telling people to stop having fun.
A spokesman for the diocese stated “Bishop Jonathan reached out to the organisers on Saturday to apologise for his late-night appearance at the concert, which he now understands had overrun due to earlier technical difficulties.” And all is forgiven. Except now you know that if you book an event at St Andrew’s Church in Holborn and don’t wrap things up by 10, you’ll have hell to pay. Or a viral moment that will spread like the gospel.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
