Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a Washington, D.C. courtroom, Border Patrol agent Gregory A. Lairmore described the moment a Subway sandwich made violent contact with his chest armor. “I could smell the onions and mustard,” he testified. “It exploded on impact, like a grenade if grenades were delicious.”
Sandwich Guy eternally immortalized on a bed sheet. (x.com)
The accused, Sean Dunn, now known in activist circles as “Sandwich Guy,” is seen on video launching the Freedom Hoagie during an anti-Trump protest. The video shows Dunn shouting “fascists” before deploying what experts later confirmed to be a fully loaded Italian sub into the chest of Agent Lairmore. Dunn then turned and ran like hell, easily outpacing a dozen or more law enforcement officials to the tune of Yakety Sax.
Federal prosecutors argued Dunn’s actions constituted assault on a federal officer. “Free speech ends where condiments begin,” the U.S. attorney declared. Dunn told police he only meant to “make a statement.” When asked which, he said, “Italian B.M.T… I mean ‘down with fascism.’”
Lairmore, a 23-year veteran, said he felt “the force transfer” through his ballistic vest, a statement likely to dog him through the rest of his law enforcement career and might possibly result in a lasting derogatory nickname. Under cross-examination, however, the defense showed video evidence that the bread had not “burst into particulate,” and instead lay fairly intact on the ground. A Department of Homeland Security memo confirmed the sandwich was “neutralized” and later “consumed by evidence staff.”
Meanwhile, Lairmore’s mustard streaked vest has been officially retired to the ICE Museum Hall of Fame, where it joins other legendary artifacts of bureaucratic excellence, including a wax figure of Diego Rivera mistakenly deported to Sudan, and an official jacket reading “HOMERLAND SECRUITY,” a typo proudly worn by 4,000 agents for six weeks before any active member of ICE noticed.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
