Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BROOKLYN, NY — As humanity boldly marches into the uncanny valley wearing Crocs and wielding a foam doink bat, two companies have joined forces to answer a question absolutely no one asked outside of a Freudian therapy session: “What if Ben & Jerry’s did a flavor inspired by boob juice?”
What's not to love, baby? Ohhh right, EVERYTHING… (frida/x.com)
The frozen fever dream comes courtesy of Frida, a company best known for helping babies do gross baby things slightly more conveniently, and OddFellows, an artisanal ice cream shop that once made foie gras gelato because regular goose torture wasn’t creamy enough for them. Together, they’ve churned up a concoction dubbed Breast Milk Ice Cream. Which is apparently not made from actual human breast milk. Because that would be weird.
Instead, the creators use cow’s milk and something called “colostrum powder,” which sounds like either a medieval plague remedy or the powder form of a lactation fetish, if not both. According to their press release, the flavor mimics “the warm, sweet, slightly salty taste of freshly expressed breast milk,” which raises further questions like, “How exactly do you know that?” and “Do we need to send Social Services for a wellness check?”
The dessert boasts a neon yellow hue that would make Pikachu blush and is being shipped nationwide for people who hate themselves coast-to-coast. New parents are especially encouraged to try it, presumably to teach their babies about betrayal early.
“It’s nostalgia with nipples,” said one fan who probably shouldn’t be allowed near schools. “It’s like eating memories of being loved. But cold.”
The product promises to deliver a “nutrient-rich” experience, packed with Omega-3s, lactose, protein, and vitamins, which just so happen to be things you can get from regular non-boob dairy foods. Still, the branding insists this dessert “fuels your body like formula” and “satisfies late-night cravings,” making it officially the first product that appeals to both stoners and lactating moms.
Not to be outdone, Häagen-Dazs is rumored to be working on a rival line of flavors based on childhood trauma, including “Passive-Aggressive Stepmom Sherbet” and “Dad Went Out for Cigarettes and Never Returned Swirl.”
Until then, Frida’s boob-inspired frozen delicacy is available for a limited time, giving you a unique opportunity to do something we all dream of: emotionally scarring your tongue.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
