Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LONDON – In a tragic yet somehow majestic turn of events, a British man known primarily for owning a yule log that could cast its own shadow has been sidelined after it allegedly sabotaged him in the shower.
Beware the bald-headed giggle stick. (Blastam/depositphotos)
Matt Barr, 41, of London, was reportedly rushing to leave for work when he fell victim to what researchers are calling “a rare but noble form of genital-related gravity betrayal.” Sources say he slipped on some renegade shower gel he couldn’t see because, according to Matt, his giant python was obstructing the view like a low-flying blimp.
While most men might have simply cursed, cleaned up, and moved on, Matt was left with a broken arm and a story he couldn’t wait to tell the press. And his neighbors. And the museum in Iceland that’s already displaying a plaster cast of his alleged “Viking torpedo.”
“I didn’t see the floor,” Matt explained with the earnest tone of a man who’s definitely done this before. “All I saw was my massive… well, you know. I call it The London Eye.”
He went on to clarify that his left shoulder sustained two fractures during the incident. “It’s not the first time I’ve fallen,” he added, wistfully staring into the distance, presumably remembering past lovers, slippery tile, and the time TSA had to use two bins for him at Heathrow.
This is not the first time Matt’s prodigious pork saber has caused him grief. Previous injuries include emotional trauma at waterparks, strategic retreat from all-inclusive resorts, and one documented incident in Ibiza where his board shorts formed a visible outline of what one horrified child described as “a hose possessed by a ghost horse.”
Waterparks are dangerous areas for those with large tallywackers. (JanMika/depositphotos)
“When I swim, people stare,” Matt said. “When I don’t swim, I break bones. It’s just the burden of being blessed with a giant dong. And being British.”
In response to the most recent accident, Matt has reportedly installed a bathmat and enrolled in a twelve-step program for people who compulsively talk about their genitals in media interviews.
He also canceled a long-planned beach vacation, which he claims was unrelated, but let’s face it, he probably couldn’t find a wetsuit that didn’t require a third leg sleeve.
Matt says he’s just trying to live a normal life and hopes to raise awareness for others with burdensome biological blessings. He’s also considering starting a podcast, writing a memoir, and releasing a line of branded bath safety products, including the “Wang-Proof Shower Shield™.”
At press time, Matt was icing his shoulder and carefully using a selfie stick to photograph his reflection in the mirror. When asked why, he replied, “Just trying to get the angle right for the cast replica. They asked for an updated mold.”
Naturally.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
