Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Kingston upon Thames, a borough that exists in a state of geographic denial southwest of London, dismantled two massive Christmas murals on Thursday after residents spent three days debating whether Lovecraftian horror or immigration politics made them more uncomfortable. The murals appeared to have been created by an AI trained on Flemish paintings and medical malpractice, which was then asked to celebrate Christmas.
Zoom in, look around… Don't worry, we have close-ups too. (BlueSky)
Witnesses reported seeing people, animals, and what might have been a snowman “experiencing itself.” The borough’s art committee confirmed the murals were not meant to be anatomically accurate, then declined to specify what they were meant to be. One local described the figures as having “the wrong number of everything,” which he said felt generous.
Some residents interpreted the ankle-deep water as migrants crossing the English Channel, while others insisted it referenced Pieter Bruegel the Elder’s 16th-century winter scenes, where Flemish peasants routinely trudged through floods with irregular skeletal structures. Both groups agreed on one point: whatever those were, they had too many fingers. Trevor Millhaven, who lives near one of the murals, said he’d assumed they were “celebrating our dark lord Cthulhu’s return” and felt disappointed to learn the controversy involved immigration instead. He told reporters that eldritch horror at least offered closure, whereas border politics just made everyone tired. A borough spokesperson said the murals were not designed to summon anything, then paused and added “probably.”
Frosty the Snowman is NOT happy. (Reddit)
The building owners released a statement insisting that no one could explain what made the murals political, calling them “festive” and “consistent with drowning themes in classical art.” They said the water referenced Bruegel’s winter flood scenes, not immigration, and any other interpretation was coincidental. Art critics noted that ripping off one of history’s most significant Renaissance painters doesn’t necessarily improve the situation, particularly when the ripoff involves anatomical configurations Bruegel would have considered witchcraft.
Mat Collishaw, the artist believed to have created the murals, made no public statement. His studio confirmed he works extensively with AI to produce art that reviewers have described as “visionary” and “concerning from an anatomical standpoint.” One gallery owner described his art as “raising questions about the body,” though she admitted the questions were mostly “what happened” and “why.”
Yup. Sleep well, readers… (Reddit)
Councilwoman Philippa Grest noted the borough encourages public art that sparks conversation, though she wished the conversation involved fewer references to eldritch geometry. A petition to remove the murals collected 847 signatures. When asked what bothered them most, 600 respondents wrote “the hands,” 200 wrote “everything,” and 47 drew pictures of what they’d had dreams of recently as a result of the mural, which officials filed under “do not open.”
Local journalism outlet London Centric reported the murals were removed not for being nightmare fuel, but because their political message remained unclear, which officials considered worse than terror. A source involved in the decision said owners worried someone might be offended, though they couldn’t identify who or why. Borough officials said future public art installations would undergo more rigorous review, including questions like “How many fingers?” and “Is this summoning anything?”
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