Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Max Fosh, a British YouTuber best known for weaponizing awkwardness, embarked on a mission to violate ten obscure European laws in ten countries within two days.
Just a suspicious man and his salmon. (Max Fosh/YouTube)
His plan required immaculate planning, incredible timing, and the willingness to commit crimes like “holding fish wrong” and “burping too hard,” truly the apex of criminal badassery. His stated goal: become the “most wanted man in Europe.” In response, Europe clarified that, actually, the most wanted man is “any plumber available on a Sunday.”
Fosh began his crime spree in the UK by violating the Salmon Act of 1986, which makes it illegal to hold a salmon “suspiciously”. Which implies there must be a way to hold a salmon in public perfectly normally. Pharrell Williams, who happened to be nearby, did not appreciate all the fish-waving. Which was odd, because normally he’s happy.
Next, Belgium, where Fosh committed the crime of pigeon possession, which sounds like a deleted Harry Potter spell. The law states that foreigners cannot keep pigeons without government approval. The punishment for this crime is a sternly worded waffle and being sat on by Tintin’s dog.
Dutch law forbids reading strangers’ texts over their shoulders, which seems unnecessary since 90% of Dutch texts just say “k.” Local police described the crime as “serious,” then immediately downgraded it after remembering they live in a country where you can legally buy weed and hookers in bulk.
In Germany, pillows are considered “passive weapons.” Historians say this was also the Wehrmacht’s backup plan in 1945. He invited strangers to pillow fight him, making this event the most effective German military campaign in 80 years.
Nothing beats a German like a pillow. (Max Fosh/YouTube)
Luxembourg has banned removing windscreen wipers from cars. He removed his wipers ceremoniously, like Excalibur, except instead of becoming king, he just became wet.
It’s illegal to work in a bakery while drunk in France, which sounds impossible because have you met the French? French officials were shocked, not that he was drunk, but that he wasn’t smoking indoors at the same time. And that he had showered this month already.
It is illegal to burp in public in Liechtenstein. Fosh downed a cola and let it rip. The entire country shook because the entire country is only 12 square feet. Locals were surprised, not by the burping but because someone had actually visited Liechtenstein.
Italy, Austria, Switzerland: the tour de farce continued until his final stunt: hiking naked in the Alps, which is both illegal and also a local pastime. He then loudly declared himself “international bad boy.” Europe declared him “slightly chilly.”
By the end, Fosh had accomplished exactly what he set out to do: break silly European laws, rack up YouTube views, and become technically more criminal than Liz Truss.
“Call us when he commits tax fraud,” said everyone in Monaco.
Ten countries, ten crimes, one YouTube video. And still somehow less annoying than Logan Paul.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
