Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In one of the most important culinary rulings since “ketchup is not a vegetable,” the EU voted to reserve meat terms for actual meat, bravely defending citizens from the scourge of soy-based deception. Proving once and for all that Brussels is overly concerned about what’s inside your buns. Because when history calls for bold leadership, the EU always shows up to yell at lentils.
Enjoying her veggie breaddie and veggie drinkie. (Sonyachny/depositphotos)
The ruling prohibits words like “burger,” “steak,” and “sausage” unless there’s actual animal in it, a move critics called “udderly ridiculous.” Lawmakers claim the move prevents confusion for consumers, because who among us hasn’t bitten into a black bean patty and screamed, “Where’s the blood!?” like an enraged granny in an 80s fast food commercial.
Under the new rules, “egg yolk” and “egg white” can only refer to animal products. “Egg shell” still unregulated, pending next year’s “European Fragility Directive.” Soy replacements must now call themselves “morning beige.”
“This is about fairness,” said one lawmaker, moments before cashing a subsidy check for plowing sand into a rectangle and calling it tradition.
The EU’s definition of milk (“a substance secreted by mammary glands”) remains unchanged, leading to the continued exile of “oat milk,” now forced to call itself “grain juice,” “oat drank,” or “please love me, dairy daddy.”
Delicious oat milk, made from the mammary glands of the Avena sativa plant. (Shisma/wikimedia)
Ironically, lawmakers voted against the same measure in 2020. Say what you will about democracy, but it’s great at wasting time creatively. Protests erupted in vegan cafés across Europe. Several tofu casualties were reported, but they were quickly reconstituted with extra firm resolve.
Brussels declined to comment further, citing lactose intolerance.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
