Buried lede: Nut Huggers
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
MILAN TWP., Ohio — Buc-ee’s, the Texas-based gas station empire known for billboard advertising that begins roughly 400 miles out in all directions, has filed a federal trademark infringement lawsuit against Mickey’s, an Ohio convenience store chain, on the grounds that its cartoon moose looks too much like Buc-ee’s cartoon beaver. The suit was filed in U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Ohio, a venue that until now had been spared from adjudicating disputes between woodland creatures.
It's like they're twins. How are we supposed to tell the difference? Apart from the many obvious reasons. (Buc-ee's/Mickey's)
The Buc-ee’s logo features a wide-eyed beaver in a red baseball cap, centered on a yellow circle trimmed in black. Mickey’s logo features a wide-eyed moose on a red hexagon trimmed in black. Both animals look up and to the right, which Buc-ee’s legal team apparently considers “proprietary gaze direction”. The moose is not wearing a hat. Whether the absence of a hat helps or hurts Mickey’s case remains a question for scholars of animal headwear jurisprudence.
Buc-ee’s argues that consumers encountering the two logos may perceive a connection between the brands “when, in fact, none exists.” The suit points to the 2020 rebrand from Mickey Mart to simply “Mickey’s” as further evidence of confusion potential, apparently on the theory that shortening a name to sound less like your competitor is actually how you sound more like your competitor. Buc-ee’s also cites online consumers who have allegedly questioned whether the brands are related, though it did not specify how many people or if they were able to operate a fuel pump unassisted.
The first Buc-ee’s in Ohio is slated to open near Dayton in April. The closest Mickey’s location is in Bellville, nearly two hours away, a distance that would seem to limit the opportunity for confusion to people who are already living in Ohio, known in neighboring states as the Florida of the North.
Mickey’s operates 42 stores, all north of Columbus. Buc-ee’s operates 54 locations, most in Texas, where everything is legally required to be bigger, including grievances. Mickey’s had not filed a response as of late Thursday, presumably because its legal team was still processing the fact that a beaver was suing a moose in federal court. The worst part about all of these details is that I have a fantastic domestic partner ‘Bullwinkle and Rocky’ divorce joke that I can’t use because Rocky is a squirrel. Use your imagination.
This is not Buc-ee’s first expedition into the expanding legal universe of cartoon animal trademark enforcement. In November, the company sent a demand letter to Nut Huggers, an Oklahoma-based men’s underwear brand whose mascot is a cartoon squirrel holding two acorns. The squirrel, like the beaver, has oversized eyes, which Buc-ee’s considers a look it invented and now holds dominion over. Nut Huggers has requested an extension to file its answer, possibly to allow time for a zoologist to explain the difference between a beaver and a squirrel to a federal judge. And also, testicles.
Buc-ee WISHES he were a nut hugger. (Nut Huggers Apparel/Facebook)
Buc-ee’s has also sued Born United, a South Carolina clothier that once sold merchandise featuring a beaver in military tactical gear. Born United removed the items from its website after the suit was filed, marking the first known instance of a beaver in body armor retreating from battle. Additional suits have been filed against Owl and Anchor in Arizona, which was allegedly selling hatched beaver patches and stickers, and Prometheus Esoterica in Florida, which was selling shirts depicting a beaver in gothic attire and a beaver resembling Krampus, the demonic European Christmas figure.
Combined, the legal actions establish that Buc-ee’s is prepared to litigate against any cartoon mammal with large eyes, regardless of species, attire, or holiday affiliation. The company has not yet filed suit against actual beavers, though experts say they are probably closer to this than most people think.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
