Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Bears, is there anything more adorable? Whether they’re settling in for a good night’s rest after some tea, attempting to have a picnic, or hanging out with a pig and wandering around without pants on, they’re just so cute.
The bear probably doing his stretches before heading to the gym. (YouTube/Fox31Denver)
That is when they’re not being terrifying and mauling people to death like it’s no big deal, which is what they do, because nature. There’s got to be somewhat of a middle ground, perhaps the time in between when they’re telling jokes on TV and on a murderous cocaine rampage. That middle ground may have existed in Aspen, CO, where a pair of bears recently broke into a gym and helped themselves to some supplements.
Earlier this week, Ajax Fitness had some after-hours visitors who must’ve really wanted to feel the burn. Two black bears gained access to the gym after one of them pulled open a door to gain entry. Once inside, they not only got into some powerlifting but also decided to get super yoked by drinking protein shakes. They also had some protein powder, and one of them came back for more. In fact, owner David Mills estimates that the duo ingested between $400-$500 worth of the stuff.
Mills promptly told Colorado Parks and Wildlife, who essentially said “duh.” Given that bears are getting set to hibernate for winter, they’re on the hunt to put on as many pounds as possible, so sightings might be more common. Bears need somewhere between 20,000 and 24,000 calories daily to be ready for winter. Those two now have the advantage over the rest of the Aspen bears, which are way less jacked and probably getting pushed into lockers by the bodybuilding bruins.
The bears will likely not be returning to Ajax Fitness for thirds. That’s because Colorado Parks and Wildlife has installed an electric bear door mat at the gym to keep them from returning. We were shocked to find out these things existed, but not as shocked as the bears will be if they try to return. They’ll be feeling the burn, alright. The only issues with the electric mat might be that the two are so roided out from the protein shakes, the jolt will just irritate them and make them even more determined to get in. Or maybe they’ll be so embarrassed when their buddies see the video of them getting shocked that they’ll vow revenge. Either way, now you know you can buy an electric doormat for unwanted visitors.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
