Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. – In a devastating blow to polyamorous libertarian sandpeople everywhere, the infamous Orgy Dome at Burning Man was tragically obliterated this week by high-speed desert winds, known meteorologically as a haboob, and by Burning Man regulars as “just another day ending in y.”
There's probably an orgy dome somewhere in there. (thelastminute/Flickr)
The structure, described by participants as “a sexy Home Depot with air conditioning and poor hygiene,” crumpled like a paper hat in a washing machine just moments before welcoming its first shift of sweaty consent-focused cuddle monsters. Witnesses say the collapse left dozens of attendees standing confused in goggles and crotchless chaps, unsure whether to seek shelter or just keep going and call it performance art.
“We were really hoping for a transcendent, healing group connection through sacred geometry and tantric breathwork,” said one dust-covered attendee named MoonDad420. “Instead, we got a haboob to the face and a mattress full of sand. Which is also pretty Burning Man, honestly.”
The Orgy Dome, which has existed for years as the Burning Man event’s most news-friendly accessory, was reportedly unable to withstand sustained gusts topping 50 mph and folded in on itself like a philosophical argument made by Joe Rogan. Eyewitnesses report the haboob arrived faster than a shirtless man on a unicycle offering “sacred cacao.” All that remains is a twisted ribcage of aluminum poles, a shredded canopy, and the collective sound of 400 tantric throuples asking if anyone has a tarp.
Organizers bravely declared they might still hold “workshops,” which is Burning Man code for “let’s put a tarp over it and hope no one notices.” Solo men, still banned from the festivities, spent the day sadly humping their hydration packs. The only thing currently erect is mass disappointment.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Haboobistan, the BLM (that’s the Bureau of Land Management, not the movement, chill out, Facebook boomers) has been overseeing this entire affair while also apparently developing a solid dad-joke game. A recent photo posted to their official feed shows an overturned porta-potty with Wicked Witch legs sticking out. Whether this is a statement on federal oversight or just the start of a deeply confusing Burning Man Wizard of Oz reboot remains unclear.
Can we interest you in a slightly creaky Orgy House? Yes, it does come with its own legs. (GemGemRemy/pixabay)
Attendees have also been dealing with other classic playa challenges: seven-hour entry lines, windborne assault by rogue glowsticks, and sand in places that shall not be discussed unless you’re in a consent circle with at least two spotters.
In 2023, heavy rain turned the desert into a gummy, foot-level cement mixer, stranding thousands and turning art cars into sad boats. This year, it’s all about high winds. Next year, betting odds favor either locusts or a surprise return of Fyre Festival with Ja Rule rappelling in by parachute.
The haboob giveth, and the haboob taketh away. Burning Man 2025 continues, albeit with fewer orgies and more tetanus shots. The Dome may be gone but the memories, and the chafing, remain eternal.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
