Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Remember the time before 2025? Things were downright reckless. You used to be able to have a differing opinion without being put on a watch list. You could go to a Cracker Barrel and not wonder if it was okay to eat there based on whether there was an old dude sitting on a bench in their logo. You could even type up a document without worrying about what font you were using. That last one is a head scratcher, but thanks to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, you’ll be seeing a lot less Calibri going forward if you’re in the State Department.
If you’ve been using Calibri with abandon, you’re probably looking at every document you’ve written or read, thinking to yourself, “Boy, does this look informal.” You also most definitely might not be. However, Rubio sent out a missive to all diplomatic posts earlier this week stating that it’s Times New Roman from here on out, baby! It turns out that anything done by any prior administration is bad, or evil, or, as he proclaimed, “wasteful,” as if taking the time to read his message and going all the way up to that format tab on your word processor of choice and changing the font isn’t taking up enough valuable time of your day.
Comic Sans all the way!
It was all the way back in 2003 that the Biden administration switched to Calibri, a modern sans-serif font, for all official documents. The reasoning behind this change was that, at the time, it was the default font for Microsoft, and some scientific studies suggested that sans-serif fonts like Calibri are easier to read for some with visual disabilities. Rubio’s advice to people with disabilities? Suck it.
“To restore decorum and professionalism to the Department’s written work products and abolish yet another wasteful DEIA program, the Department is returning to Times New Roman as its standard typeface,” the leaked cable reads. “This formatting standard aligns with the President’s One Voice for America’s Foreign Relations directive, underscoring the Department’s responsibility to present a unified, professional voice in all communications.”
Thankfully, the slightly more formal-looking Times New Roman won out over the woke-ass Calibri, a font that didn’t even exist 25 years ago. And it’s encouraging to know that, with everything happening in the country and world today, Rubio has bravely solved one of the most pressing and truly important issues facing Americans today. In fact, Trump should give him the FIFA World Peace Medal he got last week, although that might not happen.
Marco Rubio, the most important politician ever. (U.S. Department Of State/Public Domain)
This is for the State Department only, at least for the time being, so if you want to quietly rage against the machine, you’re free to keep using Calibri, Arial, or even Wingdings. However, if you’re sick of woke and DEI and space lasers and gay frogs and whatnot, perhaps it’s time you switched to Times New Roman. Us? Comic Sans all the way.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
