Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
New York might be a concrete jungle where dreams are made, but the actual Empire State of mind is something along the lines of “I’ve gotta get to the bathroom quick.” That’s because New York State is #1 once again, but this time for #2. It’s the top state of 17 affected by an outbreak of cyclosporiasis, a parasite that causes explosive diarrhea. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) looked at US citizens who became sick between May 1st and June 16th and came up with a comprehensive list of people feeling down in the dumps because they have to take frequent dumps.
Might you need to invest in adult diapers this summer? Depends… where you live. (CDC)
Cyclosporiasis is a foodborne illness usually occurring after consuming fresh produce that’s been contaminated with the Cyclospora cayetanensis parasite, which is as good a reason as any to deep fry any American food before consuming, especially around the 4th of July. The CDC has previously traced infections to cilantro, basil, raspberries, snow peas, mesclun lettuce and bagged salads, none of which are apple pie, hot dogs or ice cream. Between 31 and 80 New Yorkers have been contaminated, with Illinois and Texas coming in second and turd third.
Interestingly enough, Pennsylvania is on the list with between 1 and 10 cases. And while we’re not saying that one of those cases was at the Noah Kahan concert at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, there’s a more-than-zero chance it was. That’s because one concertgoer at his ‘Great Divide’ show there decided they would prefer to stay in their seat and take care of business rather than walk to a bathroom. This was pretty gross and likely avoidable, and it was enough for the singer/songwriter to urge his fans to poop responsibly:
Now, if we’re being honest, we looked at footage of the incident in the name of journalism, and it looks perhaps less “explosive” than a cyclosporiasis situation. Then again, maybe it’s always runny in Philadelphia, so it can’t be completely ruled out. Other states where the outbreak has been reported are Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Tennessee, Virginia, and Wisconsin, so if you’re heading to a Noah Kahan show there, make sure you’ve got your s**t in order first.
Thankfully, there have been zero fatalities from this current outbreak, but probably plenty of weird looks and clenching runs to bathrooms. Of the 145 diagnosed, 20 hospitalizations have taken place, which is both not a lot and too many at the same time. The CDC reports that the number is likely higher, as many probably don’t seek medical care, since “I pooped a bunch” probably isn’t something they’ll want to tell their primary care physician.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
