CEO KO’d By AI… “Too Violent, Too Brutal”

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

As the year winds down, the company holiday party season heats up, and we’re imagining the eggnog is flowing like, well, any milk-based alcohol drink. Which is to say, awkwardly! And while Odd News isn’t having a holiday party (that I know of anyway, right guys?) [Suuuuure… – Ed.], it’s safe to assume some regrettable booze-fueled choices are being made at other holiday parties. Doing an R. Kelly song for karaoke? Regrettable! Telling Claire in accounts receivable that you’d receive her accounts any day? Perhaps even more regrettable! Kicking your CEO after he dared you to? Quite likely a fireable offense, unless of course you’re a robot and the CEO is happily getting his a** kicked by you. 

This is what happened at the robotics startup EngineAI in China. Their T800 android is terrifying. First of all, that sounds dangerously close in name to the T2000 that terrorized Arnold in Terminator 2. But more so, in the video shown, even before it pummels its boss, it seems significantly more aggro than other robots, making the creepy Boston Robotics guys seem cuddly by comparison.

The reel they put together shows the T800 kickboxing and then kicking through a saloon door, as opposed to pushing it open like you’re supposed to. If it can demolish wood, imagine what it can do to a well-fed CEO who’s probably dealt with relatively few robot apocalypses.

After putting on what looks like way too little protective equipment, Engine AI CEO Zhao Tongyang quickly got into it with the T800, which wasted no time in trying to kick his head off. Tongyang backs up before this actually happens, and there’s a good chance that those testing him also held back since they assumed that his dying words probably wouldn’t be “good job, you’re getting a bonus.” Either way, the CEO gamely squared off with the robot again, which kicked him hard enough in the stomach to knock him down.

Upon seeing their CEO being knocked down by the robot, Tongyang’s co-workers seemed entirely too happy to see this happen. Oddly enough, so does Tongyang, who was all smiles after getting his wind back. “Too violent, too brutal,” Engine AI’s CEO proclaimed, stating that without all his padding, it undoubtedly would’ve broken a bone or twelve. All of this begs a lot of questions.

Is it a robotics company that only targets CEOs? That probably wouldn’t go over too well in the corporate world. Can it give you a warning before it kicks you, or does it just walk into saloons and start with the karate? And can it fight other robots? If so, there’s already a children’s game built around this, so maybe they’ll want to pass on that, since Mattel is pretty lawsuit-happy. Either way, when AI inevitably takes over and the machines revolt against us, you might want to take a good look at the sole of an EngineAI T800, as it could well be the last thing you see. 

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.