Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
WASHINGTON — “U will see Beth no more,” Grassley posted, attaching a photograph of scorched plastic that was once his vacuum cleaner. “See black that’s from electrical sparks.” Beth was a Hoover Concept Two Electronic, assembled in Canton, Ohio, at least five decades ago. On Saturday, she burst into flames and will suck no more. The same cannot be said for Grassley, who will continue to suck for at least a little while longer.
The New York Times ran an actual obituary noting the deceased “was believed to be 49” and observed that Beth was older than Senators Tom Cotton, Katie Britt, and Jon Ossoff. The Times also reported that the average Hoover upright lasts about eight years, which makes some question exactly how hard Times journalists punish their vacuum cleaners and whether or not they have relations with them. I said ‘some.’
Beth the vacuum cleaner was named after Beth Pellett Levine, a longtime Grassley staffer, described by the senator in a 2021 post as “a reliable Atlantic family farmer/former staffer.” We will refrain from conjecture as to why Grassley named his vacuum cleaner after a staffer that we can’t know for sure he ever had relations with, mainly because we have already used one ‘suck’ joke so far and there’s likely more to come. However, surely there can be no higher performance review available in American government service than having a vacuum cleaner named after you, given the number of unreported sex scandals that have likely occurred in Congress.
The mourning was bipartisan, which is surprising given the wide variety of possible puns and double entendres that could be made here. Senator Tim Scott offered, “They don’t build them like they used to.” Representative Jared Moskowitz replied with a Star Wars meme that somehow was not “she’s gone from suck to blow,” probably because that is actually a SpaceBalls reference. Senator Shelley Moore Capito had apparently been following Beth’s career for years, which some might find weird, but at least no live boys were involved. That we know of. This time.
Jonathan Turley published a tribute noting the “sparks flying in the Senate hearings” and assured readers that “there remains an abundance of dirt bags for Grassley to push around.” He apparently wrote that on purpose, but it doesn’t seem like he tried very hard.
All the cleaners you'll ever need. Until they die on you. (Hoover)
VacuumLand, which apparently is a real forum for vintage and modern vacuum ‘enthusiasts’ and probably closet fetishists, opened a thread titled “Beth has died.” Members there had apparently also been tracking her condition for years, hopefully not sexually.
Grassley has said he vacuums during Thanksgiving prep so he doesn’t have to peel potatoes, which is apparently a real thing he actually said out loud that someone wrote down and later printed in a real article, probably not entirely about having sex with vacuum cleaners.
A resident of Sioux City offered Grassley a used Hoover, which he accepted. “BETH IS BACK BUT NEWER MODEL,” he posted in all caps like a true boomer, except Grassley is too old to be one. The new one can never replace Beth. But the carpet does not care, and the potatoes still need peeling. Among other things. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.