Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
CHICAGO – A routine dive into the murky, mystery-riddled waters of the Chicago River took a turn for the “What the actual hell” this week when a team of underwater sleuths looking for one missing couple instead discovered 97 submerged vehicles and at least one crab who now legally owns a 1998 Saturn.
How many cars can you spot in this photo? Wrong. It's 42. ( christianhinkle/depositphotos)
The chaos began when an independent dive group, Chaos Divers, plunged into the river in search of Edward and Stephania Andrews, a couple who pulled a Houdini after a 1970 cocktail party. Their goal: find one vintage yellow 1969 Oldsmobile 442. What they found: 97 river-wrecked cars, three parking citations issued by fish, and the growing suspicion that the Chicago River is actually just the top level of the worst valet parking operation ever discovered.
“We figured we’d find a car or two,” said Jacob Grubbs, leader of Chaos Divers and clearly a man who’s read too many Choose Your Own Adventure books without finishing them. “But 97? It’s like Detroit threw up in the Chicago River.”
The vehicles range from crumpled sedans to the sort of automotive nightmares that suggest the river moonlights as a stunt double for the chase scene in “The Blues Brothers”. One Nissan was removed by police because it was blocking boat traffic and, presumably, had a handwritten note in the windshield that read “brb, drowning.”
Authorities say the cars appear to have been dumped intentionally, accidentally, or by some sort of pissed-off Transformer gone rogue. Of note: there were three separate car piles ranging from 12 to 19 vehicles each, all tightly packed like an underwater tailgate party gone wrong. Experts suspect it was a result of Chicago’s ill-fated attempt to launch a drive-thru ferry service in the ’80s. Unfortunately, phase one involved no boats, signage, or ferries. Local legend holds that these are the sacred offerings from the annual “Feast of St. Transmission,” where mechanics sacrifice clunkers to the River God in exchange for working defrosters.
A lot of envious cars in Marina City Towers just wish they could be at the bottom of the Chicago River. (Cook County, Illinois/Flickr)
“We’re more interested in the lone cars,” said Lindsay Bussick, Chaos Divers’ manager. “Solo cars suggest foul play. Or really bad GPS instructions.” Apparently, finding entire groups of cars underwater triggers no concerns whatsoever.
The Andrews case remains unsolved. Until it is, Chicago residents are encouraged not to taunt the river, just in case. You can’t be too careful.
All license plates are now being run by police, which means somewhere out there, at least one 90-year-old man is about to receive up to 76 tickets in the mail and wonder if it has anything to do with that time in 1973 he let Cousin Reggie “borrow” the car to “settle a disagreement with the IRS and/or a dolphin.”
Chicago residents are taking the news in stride. “Ninety-seven cars? That’s nothing,” said one lifelong South Sider. “You should see the things people flush down the toilets at O’Hare. Madness.”
As for the river, officials are optimistic: by the time the cars are removed, Chicago will finally have its first clear waterway in 150 years. At least until St. Patrick’s Day rolls around and the Irish fill it back up with trash again.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
