China Debuts Huggable Humanoid Robot With Soft Skin, “Intimate” Features

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Chinese electric vehicle manufacturer Xpeng has unveiled Iron, its second-generation humanoid robot, which the company describes as having “full coverage soft skin” and “customizable body types” to make “customers” feel “warmer and more intimate.” The press release temporarily exhausted the country’s supply of quote marks.

Xpeng representatives winked and raised one eyebrow repeatedly as they announced the robot would initially be deployed as “retail store assistants” and “tour guides”, roles that apparently require synthetic muscles, 82 degrees of freedom, and what CEO He Xiaopeng called “a catwalk-like, graceful gait.”  He did not specify which “tour guide” responsibilities benefit from twice the range of motion of the average Olympic gymnast, though the company’s promotional materials emphasize Iron’s ability to perform “high-difficulty human-like actions” including “catwalk walking”…

Oh wait, I see where this is going now.

Upon further review, it appears multiple technology publications have noted the robot’s potential applications beyond “retail assistance”. A “synthetic companion industry publication” (a what now?) described the Iron as “a major turning point in the development of exceptionally lifelike artificial companions,” observing how easily one could imagine “the same sort of technology being integrated into any of the current super-sophisticated, anatomically correct dolls.” Customer service, indeed.  

When presented with this observation, Xpeng representatives reiterated that Iron is designed for “commercial service roles”, though they noted “customers” will have “extensive customization options” for body proportions, synthetic skin coverage, and other “intimate” features. Which wasn’t exactly a denial, and if anything, it was more confirmation.

And as if it wasn’t abundantly clear already, Xpeng noted that more attractive, human-like designs would likely command premium pricing.

The robots’ debut has reignited broader debates about anthropomorphization in robotics. Critics note that creating machines that closely mimic human appearance and movement may generate unrealistic expectations about their capabilities or appropriate uses, or alternatively, perhaps this whole situation is exactly what it looks like. 

Xpeng counters that human-shaped robots integrate more naturally into human-designed spaces, citing “doorways”, “staircases”, and “furniture” as examples. The company has not yet directly addressed why integration into “human-designed spaces” requires hip-swaying gaits and customizable intimate anatomy, though representatives noted these features emerged from extensive user testing showing increased comfort with touching and hugging more human-like machines and… oh, come on!

Xpeng’s robotics division head said they’re “not making robots” but “making humans,” which in context appears to mean they’re building customizable synthetic companions and calling them “tour guides” until the marketing team figures out how to say “yes, obviously that’s what this is” without regulatory consequences.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.