Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BEIJING – In an event that was equal parts military spectacle and low-budget sci-fi convention, China revealed what it called the “world’s most powerful laser defense system.” The unveiling took place in Tiananmen Square, right in front of Vladimir Putin, whose idea of advanced weaponry was a steam-powered Gatling gun strapped to a cow.
These trucks will be super-camouflaged when they drive into the ocean. (www.kremlin.ru/wikimedia)
This was also the first time Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-un appeared in public together, marching shoulder-to-shoulder in what experts immediately dubbed the Threesome of Doom, which sounds scary until you realize two-thirds of them can’t operate a toaster due to international sanctions. The other third put AI in theirs, so now all Chinese toasters report bread consumption directly to the Ministry of Grain Security.
The laser, rumored to be mounted on a beefed-up golf cart painted green and wrapped in a suspiciously tarp-like shower curtain, rolled across Tiananmen Square as Putin and Kim nodded politely while mentally calculating how long it would take their respective countries to duct-tape one of their own from scratch. Putin reportedly wanted to know where the coal was loaded into the laser. Kim was briefly disappointed when told the tarp was not actually the weapon itself, but merely a tarp.
China’s propaganda machine claimed the laser could shoot down “entire swarms of drones.” Footage from the parade suggested it was more likely designed to blind the occasional pigeon or skywrite “Please clap under penalty of death” in Mandarin across nearby clouds.
But the laser was just the beginning. China also showed off robotic wolves, giant underwater nuclear drones, and stealth “loyal wingman” drones. The wolves, which marched in perfect synchronization, looked like rejected props from a SyFy channel pilot, but were nonetheless hailed as proof of China’s “military modernization.” In what can probably be considered a gaffe, however, the underwater drones formed the shape of Winnie the Pooh before dive-bombing into a nearby koi pond, which has since been cordoned off and reclassified as “strategic waters.” Also, the loyal wingman drones appear to be equipped with AI that automatically orders six vodka cranberries, then insists, “These are for my friends who are totally coming any minute now.”
Can't help but picture Penelope Pitstop coming out of nowhere in the Compact Pussycat to win this episode of Wacky Races. "Curses, foiled again!" – Xi Dastardly. (www.kremlin.ru/wikimedia)
Observers believed the laser was unveiled specifically in front of Putin as a passive-aggressive power play. “Nothing says ‘I’m in charge’ like unveiling a giant bug zapper while your guest of honor still uses a hand crank to charge his iPhone,” one geopolitical expert explained.
Western analysts weren’t convinced. “Whenever China showed us some new ‘exquisite’ technology, you had to wonder if it was real or just bulls***,” said Rob Peters of the Heritage Foundation, before adding, “And by bulls***, I meant it was either a glorified laser pointer or it ran on cat pee.” Peters then suggested America should immediately build one “just in case, but with more cupholders.”
The parade climaxed not with mushroom clouds or exploding drones, but with the release of 80,000 doves and 80,000 balloons, making the entire event look less like the dawn of a terrifying new age and more like a six-year-old’s birthday party at a military-themed Chuck E. Cheese with a $200 billion budget.
After the parade, guests were treated to a formal lunch at the Great Hall of the People, where they were offered a choice of red or white Chinese wine. Putin selected deep red because it matched the color of the current state of the Russian economy. Xi toasted solemnly with white, and Kim loudly demanded a Capri Sun “glorious Juche flavor” which sprayed all over him when he squeezed too hard.
"Don't look now, Vlad, but I think someone might be eavesdropping on us." (www.kremlin.ru/wikimedia)
Xi used the lunch to lecture the world on “peace” and “never returning to the law of the jungle.” This was slightly undercut by the fact that he had just paraded a platoon of robotic wolves down Chang’an Avenue.
Meanwhile, Putin found time to praise Kim for sending North Korean soldiers to fight in Ukraine. Analysts speculated this was because Russia had finally run out of goats, convicts, and factory workers to serve as cannon fodder. Later, Putin and Kim held a two-and-a-half-hour meeting where they reportedly argued over who got custody of the last working fax machine in Central Asia and took turns Photoshopping themselves shirtless on top of the robotic wolves.
Trump, not invited to the parade, took to Truth Social in a fit of jealousy to accuse Xi of “conspiring against the United States with Putin and Kim.” Kremlin spokesperson Yuri Ushakov dismissed the idea, noting that the three leaders were “not even thinking about a conspiracy.” Which, in fairness, was technically true: the closest they came to a conspiracy was pooling pocket change to buy ice cream from the robot wolf snack cart.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
