Russia responds by issuing muskets to horses.
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
BEIJING — China’s People’s Liberation Army is now field-testing robot dogs mounted with assault rifles, motion-controlled humanoids that mirror human combat movements, and AI logistics systems capable of carrying ammunition across rubble. Moscow’s modernization program, according to leaked documents, includes a request for “additional oats” and a six-month study on whether coal-powered wagons could be fitted with cast-iron armor plating.
Chinese robots, the envy of the Russian military. (GZ.81.CN)
At the 12th International Army Cadets Week in November, the PLA demonstrated a humanoid combat robot operated via a motion-capture suit worn by a human controller. The robot mirrored punches and defensive postures in real time, which observers compared to the mech-fighters in Real Steel, a movie literally no one ever watched. Spoiler alert: it’s robots punching each other. No one from Russia attended, reportedly due to a scheduling conflict with a ceremony honoring the Horse Logistics Modernization Task Force. Russia also simultaneously claimed that perhaps China’s invitation wasn’t sent to the correct fax machine at the Kremlin.
Chinese state-backed Beijing Humanoid Robot Innovation Centre developed the Tiangong Ultra, a 5-foot-4 bipedal robot that won the world’s first humanoid half-marathon in March 2025. The robot completed the course while navigating slopes, gravel, and stairs. Russian soldiers, meanwhile, have historically struggled with at least two of those.
Unitree’s Go2 robot dog costs under $3,000. Boston Dynamics‘ comparable Spot runs $75,000. This price gap, analysts warned, significantly lowers the barrier to widespread military adoption, particularly for militaries like Russia’s that have already spent their modernization budget on “heritage cavalry preservation initiatives” and coal for their nuclear submarines. And also hookers and blow.
The Russian Ministry of Defense did not respond to requests for comment, though a spokesperson was overheard asking if there were any “updates on the trebuchet situation.”
Russian robots, the envy of nobody. (EMLACH/Wikimedia)
Xi Jinping has called for “new quality productive forces,” a phrase now embedded in seven-ministry directives, robotics subsidies, and the anxiety dreams of Pentagon planners who just wanted one quiet decade. Morgan Stanley reports that Chinese firms control 63 percent of the global humanoid robot supply chain. Russia’s share of the global supply chain was not reported, though internal sources suggest they are “very close” to domestically producing a functional wheel any day now.
A Russian general, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed skepticism about robot warfare. “A machine cannot feel patriotism,” he told reporters. “It cannot sing the old songs. It cannot look a man in the eye before bayoneting him the way our grandfathers did.” He then excused himself to yell at a conscript for letting the signal-fire go out.
China’s path forward includes AI-enabled training systems that identify weaknesses in human soldiers and generate personalized improvement plans. Russia’s training system also identifies weaknesses in soldiers, though typically after they’ve already been posted to a tower with a faulty radio and a map from 1927.
The Tiangong Ultra humanoid can run 12 kilometers per hour. A Russian T-62 tank, recently spotted in Ukrainian territory, can also achieve this speed, though only downhill and with significant prayer and/or screaming.
Pentagon officials have reportedly scheduled a series of classified briefings on the strategic implications of low-cost, mass-produced robotic infantry. Topics include “force multiplication,” “autonomous logistics doctrine,” and “why we didn’t do this first.” In Moscow, defense officials have also scheduled briefings — primarily to address personnel retention issues in the 1st Flamethrower Battalion, where morale has declined sharply and requests for “reassignment to literally anywhere” have increased 400 percent since early January.
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