Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Chinese officials warned this week that foreign intelligence agencies are conducting what they described as an “invisible secret war” beneath the nation’s coastal waters, a phrase normally reserved for Marvel Cinematic Universe movie trailers and conspiracy theories.
Officials did not identify which countries might be responsible, which is probably the point: they want Chinese citizens to fear The Other. Who is apparently Aquaman.
Aquaman insists he's not spying. He just knows where everything is at all times. (Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures)
According to Chinese authorities, turtles and fish have been seen collecting sensitive information, including water temperature, salinity, and ocean currents. Experts note that these are precisely the sort of details Aquaman might need if he were attempting to transform the Pacific Ocean into a heavily monitored homeowners association under his sole authority. Which he already claims, so this tracks.
When presented with photographs of a buoy featuring an engraved trident, several schools of fish standing guard, and a plaque reading PROPERTY OF ATLANTIS, Aquaman again denied involvement, blaming “overzealous interns” for the sixth time this year.
The allegations follow a series of similar warnings. Last year, authorities reported detecting underwater “lighthouses” supposedly hidden on the seafloor to guide foreign submarines. Officials did not explain how a lighthouse functions at the bottom of the ocean, but remained confident that somebody, somewhere, had found a way, and that it was probably Aquaman again. When informed that lighthouses generally operate above water, Aquaman reportedly spent twenty minutes pretending to argue with a squid and then abruptly adjourned the meeting.
Meanwhile, dolphins throughout the region have become unusually reluctant to answer questions without legal representation.
Atlantis continues to insist Aquaman is not spying on anyone. “Aquaman is merely maintaining awareness of all vessel traffic, monitoring submarine movements, collecting environmental data, tracking military assets, coordinating marine wildlife observers, cataloging undersea infrastructure, and preserving comprehensive records of every object entering his jurisdiction”.
Chinese officials have classified that explanation as “not helping.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
