Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Imagine the scene: you’ve tried to quit, but you can’t control yourself and need your fix, so you arrange to meet someone in the seedy part of town. You glance around furtively, ducking down into an alley, cash in hand to fork over to a gang member in exchange for some sweet contraband. You know you run the risk of getting caught, but that just enhances the thrill, and you walk out of the sketchy alley with a temporary fix of the stuff that’ll keep you going – a Cadbury chocolate bar.
In case of emergency, break plastic. (OpenEyeComms/x)
Yep, we’re talking about chocolate, and according to the British Retail Consortium, it’s the latest item being trafficked by gang members in the United Kingdom. And while there are plenty of types of the brown stuff that have been enhanced with actual drugs, this is just good old-fashioned chocolate bars, shoplifted from stores around the country and sold at a lower cost through an underground network of street toughs with sweet tooths.
How bad is the crime wave of those going cuckoo for cocoa? It’s gotten so bad that some stores, like Tesco and Sainsbury’s, are locking up their bars behind bars, holding them in security boxes. Sure, that happens over here in the States as well, but usually, it’s higher ticket items like over-the-counter drugs, condoms, and other fun things for date night, not individual chocolate bars.
Around 40% of retailers have reported an increase in crime over the last year, per the Association of Convenience Stores, and chocolate is supplanting meat, alcohol, and electric goods as the most-stolen item. The association said it’s now being “sold on by criminals and is now being targeted more frequently by prolific offenders,” or as we call them, chocokleptos.
“Theft remains a huge issue, with an increasingly concerning link to organised criminal gangs, who continue to systematically target one store after another, stealing tens of thousands of pounds worth of goods in one go,” British Retail Consortium Helen Dickinson says. That seems like it’d be very heavy for the thieves to carry until realizing she’s talking about money. While it seems kind of negligible how much you’d be able to save by buying shoplifted candy, if they’re that serious about robbing in bulk, that’s probably nothing to Snickers at. Translated from pounds, the criminals probably make more than 100 Grand and people are finding Almond Joy wherever they can in this crazy world, and why just steal one bar when you can Take 5?
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
