Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Four men filed a federal lawsuit this week accusing McDonald’s of fraud. The McRib contains no rib meat. None. Not even as a garnish.
Problem solved, it's just a McRi. (Robson90/depositphotos)
The 45-page complaint, filed in U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, argues that a reasonable consumer would interpret the term “McRib” and its distinctly rib-shaped patty as indicating the presence of actual rib meat. Plaintiffs Peter Le, Charles Lynch, Dorien Baker, and Derrick Wilson assert that restructured pork shoulder, heart, tripe, and scalded stomach do not constitute ribs under any recognized anatomical or culinary standard.
The lawsuit seeks to represent every American who purchased a McRib in the past four years, a class estimated in the millions. That makes this the largest pork-related consumer protection action since the Great Spam Classification Debate of 1987, which established that canned meat products are not required to contain postage.
According to the complaint, McDonald’s has known since 1982 that the McRib contains no rib meat but deliberately chose a name and presentation designed to suggest otherwise. The sandwich’s molded shape features bumps resembling ribs, which plaintiffs describe as “a sculptural lie.” One plaintiff reportedly purchased six McRibs over two years before discovering the deception, at which point he experienced what court documents describe as “profound ontological disorientation regarding sandwich taxonomy.”
McDonald’s responded that the lawsuit “distorts the facts” and that the McRib uses “100 percent boneless pork” with BBQ sauce, onions, and pickles. The statement did not address why boneless pork was chosen for a product named after bones, though a spokesperson emphasized that no hearts, tripe, or scalded stomach are included in the current recipe. When pressed on whether such ingredients were previously used, the spokesperson said food quality and safety are “at the heart of everything we do,” a phrase that does not contain the word “no.”
Not a rib in sight. Not even on who's eating it, because, y'know, obesity… (Robson90/depositphotos)
Legal experts say the case hinges on whether a reasonable consumer could be misled by the McRib’s name and appearance. McDonald’s will likely argue that decades of marketing have made the product’s composition common knowledge, though this defense requires proving that everyone has been paying attention, which is likely impossible.
If the court certifies the class, millions of McRib buyers may be eligible to join the lawsuit. Proceedings are expected to take at least two years, during which time the McRib will likely return to menus at least three more times, continuing to sell briskly to customers who either don’t know about the lawsuit or have made peace with anatomical ambiguity in fast food nomenclature.
McDonald’s has not indicated whether it will settle, though the company did quietly update its menu boards at several test locations to describe the sandwich as “McRib-Style Boneless Pork Product.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
