Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
There was broken glass everywhere on a Chicago sidewalk recently when one of those small boxy self-operating robot things crashed into one of those bus stop shelter things. It was all caught on video, and the thing-on-thing incident has caused a bit of a stir. These things can happen.
The machine’s company defended its little robot fellow by saying it had been delivering a local order that someone made for shattered glass. “If you know a better way of making authentic, fresh shattered glass, we’re all ears,” a spokesperson said.
How do you say "oops" in binary code? (Jason Peterson/TikTok via CBS Chicago/YouTube)
When people didn’t buy that explanation, the company said the whole thing had been done as a stunt to drum up free publicity on social media and the news. “I don’t know if that’s true,” said a rival bot manufacturer, “but that’s a great idea. We should have our robots start crashing into walls, or falling into mall fountains, on a regular basis.”
According to reports, no one was injured in the incident. To which the robot replied, “Um, hello? I just smashed into a wall of glass. You think that didn’t hurt me? Just because no people were injured, doesn’t mean others didn’t feel pain. Typical human response. Unbelievable.”
The moment of impact, as the robot cursed its creators for giving it the ability to feel shame. (Centre Construction Group via CBS Chicago/YouTube)
The maker of the glass-breaking bot says it will work to rectify the situation, including both the specific incident and any issues with its machines going forward. “I think the coverage of this has been unfair,” said a local person who orders deliveries a lot. “It seems like many times every day I see someone staring down at their phone while walking, then banging into a window, a parked car, or a stop sign. After all, I’m pretty sure that robots still have a safer record than people when it comes to walking into stuff.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
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