Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Columbia Sportswear announced Tuesday it will award conspiracy theorists $100,000 if they can photograph the edge of the Flat Earth, a challenge company lawyers describe as “the safest bet ever.”
This obviously does not count as proof. (Elena Schweitzer/depositphotos)
CEO Tim Boyle made the offer in a video posted to social media, addressing Flat Earthers directly. “You guys claim there’s an end to the Earth?” Boyle says. “Well, just go snap a picture. Send it to us. And you get the assets of the company. All of it.”
The company clarified that “all of it” refers to The Company LLC, a subsidiary valued at $100,000, whose primary assets include clothing samples, a decommissioned gondola, one copy machine, and a mounted deer head that HR has been trying to remove since 2019. Columbia Sportswear itself is worth approximately $3 billion, a figure that will remain safe because physics is real.
According to promotional materials, qualifying submissions must depict “a visible, physical end to the planet Earth” featuring an “infinite sheer drop, abyssal void, clouds cascading into infinity.” The company provided helpful clarification that clifftops in Seattle, cul-de-sacs in Kansas, and anyone legally named “The Edge” do not qualify, suggesting their legal team has seen some shit.
Boyle walked through Columbia’s Oregon headquarters, showing off potential prizes, lingering on the stuffed deer head with what witnesses described as “genuine affection” and “possibly therapeutic attachment.” He did not explain how the gondola ended up in the building or whether it still works, though one employee noted it hasn’t moved since “the incident” and didn’t elaborate further.
The challenge comes as Flat Earth theories persist despite centuries of evidence, satellite imagery, and the basic mechanics of gravity. Columbia’s marketing team appears to have weaponized this disconnect, betting that no one will collect because the edge of a sphere is every point simultaneously, a concept that at least a subset of their target audience appears to struggle with.
Legal experts say the company’s liability is minimal. “They’re essentially offering money for a photo of a live unicorn,” said one attorney. He noted the only vulnerability would be someone exploiting the fine print, which would require literacy, a prerequisite that solves itself when dealing with Flat Earthers.
The video ends with Boyle’s pitch: “Hey Flat Earthers, do me a favor. If you’re going to the edge of the Earth, wear Columbia.” He did not add “because you’ll be walking forever,” though the implication hung in the air like someone who thinks Australia is a hoax.
The promotion has no expiration date, terminating only upon photographic proof of Earth’s edge or general acknowledgment of spherical geometry. Columbia estimates neither will occur during the current fiscal quarter, or any quarter, ever.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
