Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A funeral service was held recently near the Lincoln Memorial to honor the penny, which this year has gone the way of the dodo. Yes, Americans will soon be penniless, now that cents will no longer be produced. The Abe-honoring copper coin costs three cents to make, making it rather inefficient to churn out – and if there’s one thing that the U.S. government will not stand for, it’s inefficiency.
Add this to the list of glorious events that have been held at the Lincoln Memorial. (royaventurera/Instagram)
The cent first burst onto the scene in the 1790s, and it has been the smallest bit of currency since the half-cent ended in 1857. At the recent funeral, pamphlets marked the occasion with loving images of the coin, marking its run from 1793 to 2025, beneath the heading “Rest in Pence.” And there was a casket, with the hundreds of people in attendance exhorted to fling pennies into it, as if making a wish. “It’s sad about the little penny going away,” said an onlooker. “I guess now a penny saved is actually a penny burned. Hey, I just made that up. Not bad, huh?”
The very serious ceremony, which you might say turned the area into Penny Lane, included people dressed up as Honest Abe, Mary Todd Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and even John Wilkes Booth. And don’t worry, there was also someone in a Pennywise costume, because wordplay is hard to resist, after all.
The casket was carried by several people dressed as Abraham Lincoln. When a nearby watcher of the festivities was offered a penny for her thoughts, she said, “This is a nice way to honor the memory of Abraham Lincoln. Of course, an even nicer way would be to keep fighting for the rights and ideals that Lincoln worked for… but this is a good start.”
A very normal scene from real life, that definitely was not a hallucination. (royaventurera/Instagram)
“This reminds me,” said a guy strolling nearby, “of the time I ate too much peanut butter and passed out, and then I had a crazy dream about a bunch of Abraham Lincolns standing over a casket full of pennies. And now I’m here looking at that very image in real life. I guess dreams can come true. I feel very inspired.”
The solemn observance also included a speech from a real descendant of Abraham Lincoln, who is no longer on the glorious penny and is now relegated to just being on the flimsy, frivolous five. A sad day, indeed.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
