Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TAMPA, Fla. — Tom Brady confirmed Tuesday that his dog is a clone, which is the most Florida sentence you will read this week that doesn’t include the phrase “mosquito repellent in a margarita.” Brady says his current dog, Junie, is an exact genetic reboot of his previous dog, Lua, a reveal that began like a normal pet story but then got super weird fast. Just like every Tom Brady documentary and/or reality show ever.
We think that's Lua on the left – that's the problem with clones, though, who knows? (Tom Brady/Facebook)
According to ESPN and a statement from Brady, the pit bull mix was produced by Colossal Biosciences, the startup that keeps announcing it will bring back the dodo but then keeps acting like the park is very much open as long as you ignore all the signs labeled “concept art.” Experts described the procedure as “routine,” then whispered, “that’s how the movie starts.”
The announcement landed the same day Colossal acquired Viagen Pets & Equine, a company with enough cloned species on the scoreboard to make Professor Hammond nod approvingly from a balcony. Executives praised Viagen’s “cloning technology stack,” a phrase that sounds like an IT ticket you have to file after the velociraptors learn to open doors. Somewhere, a glass of water trembled, purely out of habit.
Company materials claim victories in gene editing and a “dire wolf” project completed earlier this year. External biologists replied with the scientific equivalent of “hold onto your butts,” noting you can make something look like the thing without making the actual thing itself. The company says “de-extinction”; scientists say “approximation.” Legal experts advise “don’t say either while near a live microphone.”
Brady, for his part, insists the tech is non-invasive and the motive is strictly love. He did not address whether the new Junie will obey audibles, chase dodos, or stare at him like a chaos theorist whenever he says the word “legacy.”
The entrance to Tom Brady's Jurassic Dog Park. (topntp/depositphotos)
Colossal leadership called Viagen’s record “the world’s standard,” which in this genre typically precedes a scene where someone flicks a light switch and nothing happens, then they assign a ranger to watch the compactor where the DNA samples are kept and, if necessary, chase a can of Barbasol into the parking lot. Why does this keep happening over and over?
No word on if Brady kisses his dog on the lips. But he probably does.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
