Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In news that confirms our darkest suspicions that Idiocracy was a prophecy, Conor McGregor, former UFC champion, promotional tequila ambassador, and part-time court defendant, has officially launched a campaign to become the next ceremonial President of Ireland.
All aboard the presidential yacht of mayhem. (svetlanaSF/depositphotos)
If there’s one thing Ireland needs during an economic crunch, housing collapse, and increasing political instability, it’s a man whose foreign policy experience includes punching mascots and throwing dollies at buses, followed by shouting “WHO’S THE TAOISEACH NOW?!” at random pedestrians. It is expected that his first act as president might be declaring war on the concept of restraint.
McGregor took to Change.org to announce his intention to seek the presidency, because nothing says “serious constitutional overhaul” like the same website used to protest HBO finales.
In a statement thicker than his accent on fight night, McGregor criticized Ireland’s current nomination system for being undemocratic. He then proposed that any Irish citizen, regardless of political background or history of throwing furniture, should be allowed to appear on the ballot with enough online support and aggressive head tattoos.
McGregor insists this is about empowering the people of Ireland. Which, in fairness, is a slight pivot from empowering himself with lawsuits and yachts.
The Irish presidency, often compared to the Queen of England minus the corgis and great teeth, is mostly ceremonial. It’s a symbolic role, like Pope Lite™. The president cuts ribbons, hosts boring tea parties, and politely signs whatever actual politicians shove under their nose.
There's probably less inbreeding in Ireland, I'm guessing? (cheekylorns2/depositphotos)
But Conor isn’t interested in just showing up to events and looking smug. No, he wants to radically reshape the job—by transforming Áras an Uachtaráin into a “performance-enhancing democracy.” His campaign slogan? Insiders say he’s torn between either “Erin Go Bragh, Ya Fookin’ Eejit” or “Putting the ‘Ouch’ back in Oireachtas.”
Inspired by a St. Patrick’s Day visit to the White House, where he hung out with Donald Trump and reportedly tried to arm wrestle a Secret Service agent, McGregor has been hinting at political aspirations for months. Sources close to the fighter say he’s modeled his entire platform off President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho from Idiocracy, minus the restraint.
If elected, McGregor promises to:
- End neutrality by declaring war on anyone who looks at Ireland funny, including but not limited to: Iceland, seagulls, and the Eurovision Song Contest judges.
- Replace the Irish national anthem with “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphys.
- Rename Irish counties after his favorite body parts and finishing moves, starting with County Roundhouse and the People’s Elbow Peninsula.
- Solve the housing crisis by legalizing basement fights and letting the winners keep the deed.
- Replace the harp on the Irish coat of arms with a shirtless statue of himself uppercutting a leprechaun.
- Transform every county council meeting into a five-round cage match with surprise chair shots during budget debates.
- Invade England with a battalion of guys named Declan who think rugby is for soft lads.
- Hold press conferences exclusively from hot tubs, saunas, or speeding Lamborghinis, depending on the urgency of the crisis.
Of course, all this presidential chest-thumping comes just days after a court upheld a sexual assault verdict against him. But in his defense, he argues that being president might help “streamline the appeals process,” which is not how that works, legally or morally. Except in the United States these days.
Also, McGregor is trying to stage a comeback in the UFC. The current plan? Fight at the White House in 2026, which, while not yet an official venue, is still more coherent than whatever Dana White’s been up to lately.
He last fought in 2021, when his leg folded like a lawn chair after Poirier kicked it into another time zone. Since then, he’s been rehabbing, rebranding, and researching the Irish Constitution by watching Braveheart with subtitles. Yes, Braveheart. Yes, I am aware.
"They may take our lives, but they'll never take our leprechauns!" (RobertoGalan/sepositphotos)
While the Irish constitution currently prevents anyone from getting on the presidential ballot without support from actual grown-ups (20 Oireachtas members or 4 county councils), McGregor says that’s outdated. He believes democracy should be a gladiator arena of raw public will, ideally with ring girls.
No word yet if the petition will succeed. But if it does, Ireland may soon get its first president with his own action figure, whiskey line, and felony sheet.
Which seems par for the course these days, doesn’t it?
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
