Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
SAN FRANCISCO — A coyote who paddled more than a mile across San Francisco Bay to reach Alcatraz Island has reportedly grown “much fatter” after two weeks of unrestricted access to the former federal penitentiary’s thriving seabird population, marking the first time anyone has voluntarily entered Alcatraz and emerged healthier.
Off he goes, searching for more birds to wolf down. Or coyote down. (coyoteyipps/depositphotos)
The animal, who remains unnamed because the National Parks Service cannot agree on a naming protocol for apex predators who show up uninvited, was first spotted dragging himself onto the island’s rocky shores earlier this month in a viral video that experts described as “honestly kind of relatable.”
Janet Kessler, who identifies as a “self-taught naturalist” and runs an Instagram account dedicated to San Francisco’s urban coyotes, confirmed that the animal is now “well and thriving.” A photograph taken January 24th shows the coyote sunbathing on a corner of the island, visibly fatter than the shivering skeleton of himself two weeks prior.
Park officials report the coyote has established itself near the parade grounds, where it has been systematically harvesting birds from nearby nests and leaving carcasses scattered across the state-run facility. In just two weeks, the coyote has accomplished what the federal government spent forty years trying to accomplish: he has made a dent in the local invasive bird population.
The coyote is the first of its species to reside on Alcatraz since the island was transferred to the National Park Service in 1972, when the site transitioned from housing dangerous criminals to hosting school field trips, occasional international protests, and serving as an advanced technical level in Tony Hawk video games.
A spokesperson for the Park Service confirmed that biologists are “actively monitoring” the coyote to assess potential impacts to the seabird breeding colony, though they declined to specify what intervention might look like or how they expect to catch an animal who already demonstrated his willingness to swim a mile to avoid problems.
Kessler has urged rangers to let the coyote stay, noting that relocation is “detrimental to coyotes” and that the animal “poses absolutely no danger to people.” She added that he expended “a huge amount of effort” to reach the island and should be “allowed to live the life he has chosen,” a phrase typically reserved for trust fund recipients and people who move to Portland.
“Let’s stand back, watch, learn, and be awed by our wildlife and their amazing survival skills,” Kessler wrote. “We don’t need to always control and interfere.”
Officials have not yet responded to the suggestion that Alcatraz adopt a hands-off policy, possibly because the last time they tried that, three inmates escaped on a raft made out of raincoats.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
