Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Boston suburb Stoneham, MA, has probably seen a lot of things over the years, but a 7’7″ tall animatronic puppet is not one of them. And when one wound up on a lawn, the resident did what any sane person would do – freaked out and called the police. Not only did the police pick up the puppet, but they also launched a search for its owner. And now that they have the puppet, they’re making it an honorary cop, because who better to represent the law than something that will unsettle children and adults alike?
Yeah I was speeding… away from you! (stonehampolicedepartment/facebook)
It all started when a resident found the puppet, which Spirit Halloween sells for $310 and is named “Bobby Strings,” on their lawn. There’s nothing particularly wrong with having an animatronic Halloween decoration three inches taller than Victor Wembanyama on your lawn, but when a) it’s not yours, b) you didn’t ask anyone for it, and c) it’s nowhere near the Halloween season, it’s easy to understand how this might have freaked a family out. Then there’s Bobby himself. Even though he’s supposedly a marionette, he looks like Pinocchio and Chucky from Child’s Play’s love child if conceived during an acid trip. In short, not what you’d want to wake up to on your lawn.
The resident turned it into the Stoneham police, who put out an APB (that’s All Puppets Bulletin) for the actual owner of the marionette. “If this belongs to you — or if you recognize it from your nightmares — please contact us to arrange pickup,” they said on Facebook. Hilarity ensued, since usually cops are playing Candy Crush instead of playing with animatronic lawn ornaments. Soon enough, the actual owner contacted them, stating that they’d thrown the abomination out in the trash. Either a prankster saw it and thought it might look good on a random adjoining lawn, or the Ghost of Halloween Past decided to do a little haunting.
Either way, the puppet isn’t going anywhere for the time being. The cops have it in custody until the owner gives them the okay to dispose of it for good this time, which they apparently haven’t gotten yet. “We’re going to give it a job, so it’s going to be a police officer with us,” Stoneham Sgt. Michael DeCroteau said. And while it can be presumed that he’s joking, Mr. Strings does have six “chilling taunts” per Spirit’s website. One of the six is just “assorted laughter,” which is exactly what you want to hear from a 7-foot-tall officer of the law who just pulled you over. That thin blue line might be a puppet string, and if you didn’t like cops before, this probably won’t convince you.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
