Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Amherst, MA Disgraced former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has undergone yet another surgery in an attempt to end his nine-month-long ongoing case of the hiccups. The odd, yet torturous ordeal has been to the delight of Brazilians, still smarting from a disastrous presidential term followed by an unsuccessful coup d’etat at the hands of the now imprisoned despot.
Bolsonaro’s quirky karmic retribution made international headlines. Once this news reached one local college student, it caused him to reassess his own belief in voodoo.
Jair Bolsonaro during happier times. (thenews2.com/depositphotos)
It began innocently enough for Doug Hurley, a third-year student at UMass, this past St. Patrick’s Day. A chance encounter in a crowded college bar followed by an illicit dorm-room rendezvous has thrust the 22-year-old Boston native to reevaluate his beliefs in the evil powers of black magic.
“I met this girl at a bar one night,” says Hurley. “It was St. Patty’s, and she stood out because when everyone else was dressed up in green and orange, dressed all in black, she had this Stevie Nicks thing going on, mystical, exotic. I’d have believed her if she had told me her name was Ezmerelda.”
Although willing to corroborate Mr. Hurley’s story, the elusive “Ezmerelda” declined to be interviewed for this article and requested her real name be withheld.
“Long story short, we ended up back at her apartment. I wasn’t sure if we were going to hook up – I gave myself 50/50 odds. She lit some candles, not romantic ones, sacred candles. She chanted something or other as she waved the smoke from her extinguished match in a circle above my head. I thought it was a bit weird, but then she opened a bottle of wine and seemed normal enough.”
Big Man on Campus, Doug Hurley. (Carballo/depositphotos)
Whether the night would climax in an amorous tryst was still to be determined. Doug Hurley was doing his best to help his own odds. He attempted to appear affable, funny, and easygoing. He learned that she grew up in Brazil and really hated their president. He also learned that she gets the hiccups when she’s had too much to drink.
“Honestly, in Massachusetts, it’s not that unusual to meet college girls who are interested in the occult. I think it has something to do with the Salem Witch Trials. I’m not the first guy around here to humor some chick like he cared about tarot cards and all that Wiccan crap just to try to get laid.” Hurley confessed.
“She told me she was into Candomblé, some voodoo s*** they practice back home,” says Doug, rolling his eyes. “We drank that whole bottle of wine, but she never called it sacred blood of a goat or anything like that. So, whatever. Then she asks me to recite a friendship chant with her. I was worried that this was a weird way of getting friend-zoned. But, she said that the chant was part of this Jumanji mating ritual.”
Encouraged more by the mating ritual aspect than wary of the friendship part, Hurley agreed. To his pleasant surprise, Ezmerelda led him, hand in hand, towards the bed. They sat cross-legged, facing one another, and she began repeating a melodic tantra. Her paramour joined in as he phonetically worked out the ancient words. Soon, in the flicker of candlelight, they were simultaneously, rhythmically chanting. Then she scattered a handful of dried chicken bones between them onto the mattress.
“The chicken bones weren’t a total mood killer for me,” Hurley explained, “but they took me out of the moment. Now I’m afraid that if this chanting stuff does lead to sex, then I’ll be picking shards of chicken bone out of my flesh for weeks. The chant ended, and then she started going on about cosmic balance, and that before receiving pleasure, one must wish equal suffering on an enemy.”
Typical nonsense seen regularly in Amherst and Northampton dorm rooms. (neroli/depositphotos)
This confused Doug, but once Ezmerelda explained that in her sect, they believe that if you cause suffering, you must balance that out by creating pleasure. Likewise, if you experience (or are likely to experience) pleasure, it is your imperative to cause suffering in order to make the cosmic balance sheet even out. Of course, she said, instead of inflicting actual pain on another person, the chant wishes a dose of misery on one’s worst enemy. A curse.
“My psycho alarm was going off pretty hard right then. Maybe I should have gone home.” Undeterred, he attempted to laugh it off and flirt his way out of the moment. “All I wanted to do was have a little fun, maybe dial the black mass atmosphere back a notch or two.”
The effects of the next moments would be felt an entire continent away.
“I went to Catholic school for eight years, so naturally I am an Atheist now,” Doug said. “I don’t believe in any of that spiritual nonsense. But still, I wouldn’t wish death or anything violent on even my worst enemy. Even if that meant sleeping alone tonight. So when she asked me to name my worst enemy, I said Jair Bolsonaro. I couldn’t pick that guy out of a photo. But three times tonight she spat onto the ground when she heard his name.”
Jair Bolsonaro was president of Brazil from 2018 until 2022. A far-right ideologue, during his only term in office he oversaw widespread destruction of the Amazon rain forest, while his inaction during Covid cost Brazil 750,000 lives. After losing his reelection bid, Bolsonaro led a coup d’état, spouting unfounded claims of voter fraud. That kind of thing is frowned upon in Brazil.
“Then she asked me what method of torture I wished to inflict. Jokingly I replied, “Hiccups! May he never stop hiccuping for the rest of his life!” Alcohol gives her hiccups, which is something that happened earlier that night. I thought it was kind of cute. Anyway, she laughed and agreed that Jair Bolosaro deserves to suffer chronic hiccups until the day he dies!”
Sao Paulo, Brazil, May 15, 2019. One of many demonstrations and protests against President Jair Bolsonaro. (alfribeiro/depositphotos)
Bolosonaro has indeed, for the last nine months, been afflicted with a relentless case of the hiccups. Surgeons have performed multiple procedures to try to alleviate the disgraced former leader’s condition, so far to no avail.
His wife Michelle Bolsonaro told reporters “It’s been nine months of struggle and anguish with daily hiccups.”
What followed immediately after Doug and Ezmerelda ritualistically placed a curse on Mr. Bolsonaro is best left between Doug, Ezmerelda, and disgraced despot President Jair Bolsonaro. Discretion dictates that we need not say whether the relationship was consummated or not. That being said, Doug and Ezmerelda fell out of touch a few days later, and as luck would have it, Jair Bolsonaro has now been suffering from unyielding hiccups for the better part of a year.
“I’d forgotten about it, pretty much, but then this week I read in the news that doctors were treating Jair Bolsonaro and I thought to myself, if this is the same Jair Bolsonaro that used to be the president of Brazil, then this is pretty weird.”
Slightly spooked, Doug asked around and confirmed that Jair Bolsonaro is not a very common name and indeed the now-imprisoned former president of Brazil has been hiccuping nonstop for nine months.
“I think it’s weird for sure. But I’m still not totally convinced that some form of eerie pre-coital foreplay Santeria curse actually worked or not. Technically, I did curse him to a lifetime of hiccups, and it’s not even been a year yet.”
When asked if he felt personally responsible or even a bit guilty, he quickly replied in the negative.
“Hell no! I’ve since learned more about that guy. If anyone deserves some bad mojo, it’s him. And let’s face it, there are a lot of worse things I could have had to deal with nine months after a one-night stand.”
Hurley admits that this experience has shaken his faith in his lack of faith. “The skeptic in me still thinks the whole thing is just one big coincidence, but what do I know? I don’t know if the curse worked or not, but I can’t help but laugh when I picture those surgeons trying to operate on Bolsonaro while he keeps hiccuping.”
Once word got out about Doug Hurley’s magic hiccup curse, he has become the most recognizable student on the UMass campus of over 30,000. While Jair Bolsonaro continues to suffer, handcuffed to a hospital bed, hiccuping uncontrollably, Doug is making the most of his newfound popularity. “I am a big man on campus all of a sudden. It’s been great for my sex life. Do you know what a great pickup line is? If you sleep with me tonight, maybe we can give Donald Trump an open bleeding sore on his a**hole.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
