Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
AUCKLAND, New Zealand — Authorities are waiting for nature and several biological processes to resolve what jewelry store security cameras could not after a 32-year-old man allegedly consumed a limited-edition Fabergé octopus pendant rather than pay for it at Partridge Jewelers.
Luckily, it was the one on the right. (Faberge)
The pendant, valued at NZ$33,000 (US$19,000), is currently in police custody in the technical sense that the suspect is in police custody and the pendant is somewhere inside the suspect. Inspector Grae Anderson confirmed the item has not been recovered, though he used the word “recovered” with the careful tone of someone whose job now includes phrases like “evidence evacuation protocol.”
The accused was arrested minutes after the alleged theft, underwent medical assessment, and is now monitored constantly by an officer whose career trajectory did not include “24-hour digestive surveillance” when he joined the force. Anderson said the department has a duty of care to continue observation given what has occurred, which is police code for “we’re in uncharted intestinal territory, and nobody wants this on their performance review.”
The pendant in question was manufactured as a tribute to Octopussy, the 1983 James Bond film featuring jewel smuggling via counterfeit Fabergé eggs. The suspect appears to have absorbed the film’s premise while missing several key plot points about successful smuggling requiring an exit strategy.
The piece contains 183 diamonds, two sapphires, and an 18-carat gold octopus adorned with diamond suckers and black diamond eyes, making it both extraordinarily valuable and extraordinarily uncomfortable to digest. The egg measures 3.3 inches tall when properly displayed on its mounting stand, a presentation method currently unavailable. Only 50 were produced worldwide. This specimen is hand-painted with green enamel and designed to open theatrically, revealing the octopus surprise inside. That surprise is scheduled to be revealed again, though under circumstances the manufacturer’s warranty specifically doesn’t cover.
Not as delicious as the octopus served next door. (Faberge)
The accused appeared in Auckland District Court but did not enter a plea on the theft charge. His legal team is believed to be pursuing a strategy of “wait and see,” which is also the medical team’s strategy, the police department’s strategy, and possibly the pendant’s strategy. Anderson noted the situation requires ongoing monitoring, which is the kind of statement that sounds professional until you remember what specifically requires monitoring.
The suspect is scheduled to appear in court again on December 8. No word yet on whether the pendant will make a separate appearance or arrive as Exhibit A in a manner that redefines courtroom drama. The officer assigned to constant observation has reportedly requested hazard pay, a transfer, and possibly therapy, though the department maintains all standard protocols are being followed.
Partridge Jewelers has not commented on whether the incident affects the pendant’s resale value, though industry experts suggest authenticity documentation may require additional paperwork in this case. The store’s website still describes the piece as “nestled inside” the egg, which remains technically accurate, just in a location the marketing department never envisioned.
The department assures the public that all procedures are being followed, which is accurate because they invented most of these procedures last week and have been following them ever since with grim determination. Time will resolve the situation, though time is also what everyone’s desperately wishing would move faster while simultaneously dreading the resolution.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
