Sign shows that Nathan's in Coney Island only employs meat hotdogs, not plant-based dogs, as waitstaff. (Michael Chiara/Unsplash)
Disclaimer: While this article is stuffed with facts, you’ll also be swallowing plenty of satire.
If you’ve never had the opportunity to attend Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, NYC, it’s quite a site to see, and to be frank, it’s kinda gross. Held on the Fourth of July for most of its history since 1972 (longer if you count the 1967 contest or believe your great-grandpa’s tales claiming 1916 as the start date), each year’s 20 or so contestants cram Nathan’s Famous hot dogs (and companion buns) into their faces with clocks ticking and tens of thousands of cheering fans.
Witnessing the likes of Joey Chestnut (U.S.), ranked #1 among world competitive eaters and owner of a giant mouth, Miki Sudo (U.S), the #1 ranked female eater in the world, soakin’ buns in water and double-doggin’ it like the champ she is, or Takeru Kobayashi (Japan) doing his famous shake in the early 2000s, shimmying the dogs down to make more space in his gut, is both disgusting and…exhilerating. As long as there’s no red card issued for so-called “reversal of fortune”, the solid-stomached winner takes home $10,000, a bejeweled championship belt, and – at least once a year – a higher risk for cancer and heart disease.
Joey Chestnut at his 2010 Nathan's Victory, ready to hurl, but keepin that good dog down. (Michael/Wikimedia Commons)
So what’s the hubbub this year? The aforementioned Joey “Jaws” You’re-Gonna-Need-A-Bigger-Weiner Chestnut, 16-time reigning champion at Nathan’s, has been banned from competing in this year’s annual event because he signed a deal with Impossible Foods, a plant-based meat company, to rep their meatless dogs.
Major League Eating, an organization that actually exists, is the sanctioning body of Nathan’s contest, and they’re “devasted” by this perceived betrayal. Chestnut, on the other hand, claims he has no contract with either Nathan’s or MLE.
Fans, meanwhile have been enraged by the ban, some having already staked out their spots for the contest just so they could get the best view of their favored champion’s uvula. One Coney Island native, nut-eating champion, and squirrel, Louie Peanut, chimed in on this local scandal.
“Look, I seen a lotta these contests in my 6 years of life, and as a competitive eater myself (Squirrel Champion, borough of Brooklyn), I really idolize these humans, and how much food they can fit in those bodies. If I didn’t keep losin’ my nuts, I might be further along in my own journey, but the point is, f*ck ’em; Joey doesn’t gotta prove nothin’ to nobody. And p.s. I tried hotdogs, and they’re very salty. I prefer the buns. Maybe I’ll check out these veggie ones sometime if somebody happens to drop one on the boardwalk or on the Wonder Wheel (if a hawk or a car doesn’t take me out first). Thanks for your time, Boss.”
– Louie Peanut, Coney Island Squirrel, Competitive Eater, and regular Wonder Wheel rider
Louie Peanut at a competitive eating contest in Canarsie 2023 (Harry Pope/Flickr)
According to the National Institutes of Health, Plant-based meat substitutes have on average 50% lower environmental impact than their meaty counterparts (even if their hot dog sodium content is comparable, swelling your body just like the real thing).
Perhaps Major League Eating feels a bit threatened that their long-term weenie-chomper champion is trading in their sausage for a slightly mushier but passible version from the opposite team. Let’s all put our egos aside for a moment and remember: whatever side you’re on, the dog – real or impossible – is here to stay. (Cue: fireworks)
