Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In a story that proves once and for all that dogs are better than people, a Belgian Malinois named Ziya from Northern California has taken home the coveted Hambone Award®, given annually by Nationwide to the pet with the most hilariously traumatic pet insurance claim.
Knocked that tongue right out of his mouth. (Nationwide)
According to his human, Tim, Ziya has long had a “protective streak.” As in, Ziya thinks every large moving object, be it livestock, UPS trucks, or possibly even the moon, is a personal threat. Ziya once spent three days barking at the Goodyear blimp, which reportedly still won’t fly over California.
So when a 1,800-pound bull wandered out of the fog, as bulls tend to do, Ziya did what he always does and flung himself between the bull and his humans like a four-legged Secret Service agent on bath salts. The bull headbutted Ziya in the jaw; he lost a tooth, and two weeks later, his vet got a new boat. Nationwide Insurance then cut Ziya’s human a check and handed him the Hambone Award trophy, which is slightly more prestigious than the “Participation Ribbon” his neighbor’s Labradoodle got for finally not pooping during agility class.
Tim says he’s proud of his dog, though he would prefer future walks involve fewer horns and more squirrels. The bull could not be reached for comment, as it is currently in hiding pretending to be a cow in Nevada.
This whole story smells like a load of bull if you ask me! (VadimVasenin/depositphotos)
Official Runners-Up for the award possibly included:
- Duke the Lab-mix, who ate a spatula head, proving dogs really will eat anything except actual heartworm pills.
- Foxtrot the Great Dane, who swallowed an entire turkey leg in one bite, which is either heroic or a competitive eating crime.
- Snuffles the ferret, who got stuck inside a trombone during band practice, and now plays “Flight of the Bumblebee” whenever he sneezes.
- Mr. Pickles the cat, who triggered his owner’s Roomba to sweep him into a linen closet, where he survived three days eating Bounce dryer sheets.
- Biscuit the parrot, who stole Alexa’s voice commands and ordered $700 worth of Cheez-Its off Amazon.
- Tank the turtle, who successfully outran an Uber Eats scooter, then bit the delivery bag open to get extra soy sauce.
- Kevin the goat, who ate a campaign sign, then went viral after pooping out “Vote Yes” in perfectly legible block letters.
- Sir Fluffernuts, a Maine Coon in Portland, who attempted to assert dominance over a fancy European espresso machine. Three cappuccinos, one scalded paw, and $2,800 later, Sir Fluffernuts is decaffeinated and grounded for life.
- Doug the Pug, who mistook a taser for a chew toy. He was briefly electrified, pooped in triumph, and now starts barking when anyone says “non-lethal.”
- Yeti, a husky in Michigan, who waged a holy war against a 12-foot inflatable Santa. After shredding it with the precision of a surgeon, Yeti was found asleep inside the collapsed corpse of Kris Kringle like a snowy-tailed tauntaun.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
