Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
An innocent, displeasingly tasteless sandwich, or a weapon of mass (ave) destruction? (birchphotographer/depositphotos)
In what historians will likely call “The Pastrami Incident”, a Department of Justice trial attorney decided the best use of his early Sunday morning after a long night of what appeared to be binging on alcohol, shrooms, or possibly both, was to fling a Subway sandwich at a fully-armored federal agent. Standing next to 8 of his agent buddies. Because nothing says “measured dissent” like wasting $12.99 on a cold cut protest missile to the chest of a law enforcement official who is legally allowed to beat the hell out of you and is currently looking for an excuse.
Sean Charles Dunn, a now-former DOJ employee and recreational yeller of “FASCISTS!”, was caught on video turning his early morning post-bar crawl snack into a political statement and his career into a cautionary tale. Wearing a pink shirt and tan shorts, a combo last seen at every Home Depot garden center, Dunn hurled the sandwich at an agent who had the misfortune of standing near, ironically, Constitution Avenue.
The agent, protected by a bulletproof vest and the indomitable spirit of American law enforcement overreaction, was reportedly uninjured but deeply offended by the sandwich’s lack of spicy mustard.
The feds, who were already in DC for Totally Normal Reasons™ like “cleaning up crime” in a city with record-low violence, responded as if Dunn had launched a mortar. He was arrested three days later, still wearing the exact same outfit, which leads us to conclude either (a) he owns no other clothes; or (b) he likes to let himself soak for a few days before putting on a new shirt. You can check out the ‘violence’ here.
According to prosecutors, the conversation during interrogation was incredibly short:
Agent: “Did you throw a sandwich?”
Dunn: “Yes.”
Agent: “You’re under arrest for felony assault.”
Let that sink in. Felony assault. With a sandwich.
U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro, moonlighting as a Facebook aunt in a rage spiral, took to the internet to shout: “Well, he doesn’t think it’s funny today!” before presumably tripping over a porch cat and yelling about bail reform.
Attorney General Pam Bondi (yes, that one) tweeted in all-caps that Dunn had been “FIRED,” because apparently, when you throw a ham and cheese at a guy in Kevlar, Twitter is where justice is served. Side of fries optional.
A local judge looked at the case and said, “Really?” before a federal judge said, “Really,” but with a gavel, allowing charges to proceed. If convicted, Dunn faces up to 8 years in prison, where sandwiches are rumored to be considerably less edible and often found in people’s butts.
Meanwhile, 100 other people have been arrested since the Feds arrived in DC earlier that week, although Dunn remains the only one taken down for deli-based terrorism.
Critics of the federal deployment, and by “critics” we mean “literally every DC resident”, argue that Trump’s use of federal law enforcement to combat “drugged-out maniacs and homeless people” has instead resulted in heavily armed dudes tackling lawyers in boat shoes over flying BLTs.
"You certainly LOOK like a drugged-out homeless maniac. Get out of the vehicle!" (eddtoro35/depositphotos)
In a related update, Subway has announced the launch of a new item: the Footlong Felony™, available only in the nation’s capital, served with a side of irony and a splash of prosecutorial discretion. Subway spokesman said there’s no way in hell they’re letting Jared Fogle be the pitchman for the Footlong Felony, even though Fogle appears to have had significant experience.
Stay tuned for the sequel, where Dunn appeals by mailing a meatball sub to the Supreme Court. Justice may be blind, but it’s apparently allergic to mayonnaise.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
